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[Rose888]

I think MWD's advice on goals is written for situations where partners at setting goals together. It's useful for helping break down big goals into smaller, less daunting ones to keep you from throwing up your hands in despair.

However.

It's easy to get confused when you are setting goals in a situation where your spouse isn't interested in working with you.

You need to set goals that you can accomplish on your own, without your wife.

So, none of the examples you listed at goals. They are dreams.

A good R goal might be, "If my wife shares how she is feeling, I will validate and not argue or make it about me. If I feel myself wanting to argue or beg, I will cheerfully say I have to go and end the conversation."

See how that is all about you? Something you can do regardless of what she does?

[MrBond]

No you actually set goals for yourself. Start with little microgoals that you want to achieve in your R. For example, "my goal is to have he say 'good morning'". Then figure out how to do that. Then slowly increase the goal intensity.

[Sotto]

Yes, I had problems with the goals chapter. I don't think you can write goals that rely on someone else doing something, I think those are 'success indicators.'

So, I would make none of your goals reliant on your spouse in any way. However, your goals could be around becoming the kind of person you want to become - which may lead your spouse to want to interact and spend more time with you.

So, for example - if you used to spend your days unwashed in saggy trackie bottoms, ignoring the kids and eating junk food, playing on the X-box - you have plenty to go at.

Let's look at the elements there:

Improving personal hygiene and grooming
Making an effort to dress better
Spending quality time with your children
Look after your health, eat well and exercise
Deal with your X-box addiction

Now I give an extreme example, but you start to see where I am going here??

Make your goals all about you and the guy you want to be. Don't make them about your R, but work on the basis of becoming a better you, which may help save your M.

Hope this helps :-)

[RBG80]

Thanks guys, this makes much more sense. I was somewhat confused as to how I was meant to be able to achieve and breakdown said goals without being able to influence them.

Thought this may have been a 'manifesting' scenario...

Setting goals for myself is much more realistic and as Darkness mentions, these can be s.m.a.r.t goals.

Thanks again guys.

[RBG80]

Yeah, I'm not too enamored about having the W round on her days with our S. I'm trying to distance myself somewhat.

Had the parent / teacher conference yesterday and our S seems to have settled in well. There were plenty of moments where the W was talking and then looking at me (either for input or a response I guess), but whilst I was polite, I made sure that all my concentration was pointing towards the teacher.

I hope that I'm moving in the right direction.

[sandi2]

You are not planning to pay for her place, are you?

[RBG80]

I'll be struggling to pay for my own place Sandi, let along hers lol.

[j20a00g]

So right now she's living with her mom and still needing to ask you for $20?
How the heck will she be able to afford another place?

[RBG80]

My point exactly! I know that she's trying to clear some of her debt (which is great for her) whilst I'm left with the majority of the household bills and have no chance at clearing my debts.

She's been having her hair done, buying clothes and her nails done - which is fine, but if she's unable to budget and prioritise properly, I suspect that she's likely to have a very big shock when living on her own.

[j20a00g]

She's been having her hair done, buying clothes and her nails done - which is fine, but if she's unable to budget and prioritise properly, I suspect that she's likely to have a very big shock when living on her own.

Not your prob and shouldn't be your concern. Focus on you and s3. I was assisting in enabling financially in the beginning. Then I stumbled on what she was spending her money on for her and OM so I put a stop to the money tree.

She wants away from you, give her what she wants (including financially). She needs to feel what life is like without rich.