Hey Just. I'm on this thread because I saw Juju's name as a poster so I slowed down to catch up.
I get the feeling of not wanting to be in a marriage. I'm tired too and not up to reliving the horror of the later years of my marriage, but it wasn't pretty. I once told my friend I felt like I was single except that I couldn't date other women and gave 100% of my paycheck to alimony.
In the end you have to decide if you're going to steer your ship on feelings or on beliefs. If you are going to follow feelings, it's probably that you will end up divorced. Either you'll cut bait, or she will. If you operate on beliefs you may remain married. Maybe that doesn't sound like what you want, but here's the thing- divorce is no bargain.
It reminds me of my "unicorn" close. I'm in sales, and sometimes when I'm talking to a potential customer they start critiquing my product, wishing it was better than it was. But all products have flaws, and sometimes mine is the best despite those warts. So my unicorn close is to tell the customer "If you're comparing my product or service with something else out there on the market that will do a better job for you, I'm all about it. But if you're comparing what I have with something you wish existed, then I'd be doing you a disservice to stand by and watch you pass on a good opportunity because you wished something more existed. You might as well be comparing my service to a unicorn, it just doesn't exist. I can compete with other services, but I can't compete with unicorns, because my product doesn't have a magical horn and can't bound over rainbows. But it can do A/B/C benefit for you, and I'm here to help you achieve that..."
I bring that up because many people make the mistake of comparing their marriage with some murky idea of what they wished another relationship would be like. Just some "I don't know, but we'd be having sex, and we'd be loving, and it would FEEL different". Well, Just, good luck with your unicorn hunting. I think what you'll find is that in 100% of relationships either spouse could build an iron clad case as to why they should get divorced, and why they deserve better than their spouse. That's the reality. It's a bummer, I wish it wasn't so. But it is. The question is do you want to chase the unicorn and have a series of broken 3-10 year relationships with broken families, step children, mixed families, limited access to your children, more obstacles and baggage piled on top of relationships that are increasingly less and less committed as the promises of "I do" become more and more trite...or do you believe in honoring your vows, accepting that this is the 'for worse' in your marriage, priding yourself on being the guy that follows through with those vows, and working on yourself with the idea that whether it's 5 weeks of 5 years from now you'll make it through this winter in your marriage and will see a loving spring again, with a committed and appreciative life partner that will be there to the end?
Clearly I am a marriage believer, as are many on this thread. I make no apologies for this, and I believe it's my job to spread that belief and challenge the temptations of our feelings. Just realize that you either do or don't believe in marriage, and basing your actions on how you feel is essentially declaring that marriage is conditional and hence ultimately won't be achievable in this world. And you'd be making that decision for someone else that has no say, that you promised to love and cherish.
You mentioned expectations in marriage. There's a great youtube video about it by Andrew Stanley I'd encourage you to watch.
What I've learned is that the biggest benefit of marriage is that you have someone else you get to love, protect, and care for. When you look at 'what you get' it doesn't seem worth it. But when you include that you 'get' to love someone else the way God wants you to, you might see that it's the most important role we've been given in this lifetime, and it means more than we thing when we're simply scorekeeping and comparing our day to day quality of life selfishly. Divorce is more destructive and a bigger loss than I could ever explain to someone that hasn't gone through that loss.
As for what you SHOULD do (in my opinion), I will again agree that it is very, very difficult when you are where you are. There are things you can and should do to feel better, more yourself, less resentful about her, and less tied to her behavior. But there's really no reason to go down that road if you're not committed. If you're not committed it will look like too much work for not enough immediate relief or immediate results. If you commit wholeheartedly, however, let us know and I'm sure we can help you cope through the short term and work on building a better long term.
No matter what I wish you the best in your journey ahead. Get some sleep Tired.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
