Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

Not too bad, considering you are dealing with a 12 yr old boy being inappropriate.....and his mother, who is inappropriate!

It's very tough to not to let emotions come into play when trying to parent together, when she's angry and you are stressed. Has she always said such things about her child, or is that the way she talks since BD?

No, she has been pretty tough in the kids for a very long time, well before BD. It's a "tough love" from her, in that she is Nigerian and brought up in Nigeria with a very strict upbringing. She is one of 4 kids and her mother abandoned them at a young age and they were brought up largely by an elderly grandmother who was poor and very strict. Consequently, she believes in a strict upbringing, kids are kids until they are adults, she doesn't recognise them as teenagers who can have opinions. She would do anything for her kids, and her anger is coming from a place of care, in that she wants the best for them, but she doesn't know how to get that message across without the punishment if you make a mistake model.

Have you considered suggesting that you would be glad to deal with these young male issues with S12, if it will relieve her of the stress? IDK that it would work any better, and she might just blame you for anything S12 doesn't do correctly. However, she'll more than likely be angry, anyway, b/c that's part of her WW mindset. Just a thought.

Yes I have suggested this before. Like sometimes over the years she will go, "Can you deal with this child they did.......". Then when I am half way through talking to the child, she will swing back in and meter out a punishment while she just told me to deal with it. Also I have suggested before different approaches, but I will get things like "Like what...you are incapable of disciplining the kids". Lets see how it pans out with S12, I just think our inconsistent parenting messages is not helping him either.

While things are bad around home, I want to encourage you to watch yourself when you have the urge to "explain" things to her (especially when it has to do with her) and when you know she's already stewing about something. ..... A lot of H's have a tendency to try and over explain things, especially when they are use to having a mean W who will give him the devil.

Sandi this is spot on for me. I do have a tendency to talk too much and try to over explain. You will notice that even from my long posts :-) The 2 MC sessions we went to, she mentioned this that I like to talk to much and over explain stuff. This is defintely something I need to work on. I am always trying to justify myself or my actions, to convince her that what I am thinking/feeling is justified. Thanks for highlighting this to me.

What is your source of energy and inspiration? Music, long walks, motivational tapes, etc? Not only do you need to guard your physical health, but your emotional/mental/spiritual health, as well.

Well since all the problems I have quite a few. I do alot of running, trail running in the forest and yoga most days. I also do meditation, but have not done that for a few weeks for some reason. But my other main source of energy/motivation is listening and reading to personal development books. This is however one issue with this that I need to stick to one system and take proper actions. But for a boost in self-esteem/strength I will read. For example I am just reading "The Passion Trap" as mentioned on this forum and it is amazing, I think he wrote it just about me and how I have dealt with my relationship with my W.