Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

Not saying whos right or wrong here. But I wonder if you arent as "cured" as you say. Consider her comments from her perspective or your children's perspective. What might be perceived as anger even if you dont feel angry

Thanks darknes, this is a good point. I do feel I have improved alot, but I do rememeber a conversation with my S12 who said, you say you have changed and don't get angry anymore, but you haven't changed much at all. So clearly alot more work to do. Our whole family is hyper-sensitive to each others tone of voice, so any slight detection of anger/frustration will trigger the other person to say why are you getting angry, and the conversation then deteriorates into whether that person is angry or not, with the original reason for the conversation being lost as it were.

Again not saying that what you did was wrong. But it sounds like you are looking for her to come up with something. I think a better response would have been "Im not sure, but Id like to do some research about it." or something to that effect. Otherwise, it sounds like you just want her to change or fix something.

Well yes and no. What I am trying to do is say that we need a different approach, and I think I am trying to get her permission to try something different. Even now I am still able to have 1-on-1 with S12, D14 and S17 about sensitive things and they confide in me in general, which is something they do not feel comfortable doing with my wife. The problem is I can talk calmly to S12, but wife can come in ad make unilateral decisions in front of me while I discussing. Hers is it go straight to a punishment, rather than trying to look at source of problem.

I just know that much of the issues with our kids, especially S12, are because of how we deal with our kids. My wife however does not believe she has any hand in influencing their bad behaviour. If I ever try and go near that area of us as parents modifying behaviour I will get the sort of comment I got last night.

I do agree that I should just try a different approach and let the results speak for themselves, rather than trying to convince S of anything.