CeMar first off, you have read SSM, there is a quote in the book that gets repeated often "if it is not working then don't keep trying the same things". You may have been sincerely trying to be more affectionate, and trying to be more desirable, but your focus seems to be only on the sex aspects of the marriage. That may be due to the lack of, but nonetheless, shift your focus.
You ask how Allies for partners may help your marriage, well like other books you will only get what you need out of the book. It just might give you some understanding of what your wife maybe going through from the effects of the child abuse. Now you might think that because she was never hit as a child, just neglected that this couldn't be the problem. Well if she was forced out of her childhood to take care of her brothers and sisters in a capacity that a parent should like you suggest. This has taken her childhood away from her and never let her live out her childhood.
When you say that she pulled the bait and switch routine when your child was born, this is her natural reaction to her childhood and what she has learned. We are a product of our parents and learn all or most of our life skills, morals, beliefs and how to love from what we were taught as children from our parents or guardians. Your wife may have been trying to tell you that but you are not hearing her. Yes, you might have taken the time to listen but you haven't heard her. Open up your mind, eyes, ears and heart… your wife might just surprise you.
As for the Rape or attempted Rape, only she knows what really happened, but stop second guessing her and listen to her, be supportive. She may have not dealt with these tragic incidents or is in denial. This is something that you will never have any control over, as she is the one that has to heal and want to heal. All you can do is be supportive. Don't tell her that this is something she has to do in order to save the marriage or you will drive her further away. I stress this is up to her.
You say that you really want that greater love and happiness in the marriage, then I challenge you to open up your mind and look deep into yourself. Start hearing what you have been saying, reflect on what other people have been saying and most importantly start hearing what your wife has been saying. Not only spoken words but also hearing her body language more.
I know that I have made mistakes in my marriage and I accept responsibility for them. I had always thought that I was somewhat open minded, but when I started to close my mouth more and open my ears and mind I began to see what my wife had been saying and I realized how close minded I really was. I had to read the book twice, as the first time I had no questions, but the second time I had all kinds of questions some of which I'm still trying to find answers for or a better understanding. The book is more geared to help you deal with the possible changes that you and your wife might be going through. If your wife has suffered like you say then I would strongly recommend giving it a chance and read it.
Hope that this will help digest what Cathy47 is saying in the other thread (if you value your kids, then value their dad)
Good luck!
Glenn
