New to the 180. Help?

[j20a00g]

[quote=G_Main]@j20a00g

Make the conversation "boring"? You can do what feels right or do what works. Choice is yours.

Ok. So I understand that the point is to detach and make a win-win situation for myself. There is also an underlying goal of saving my marriage, otherwise I wouldnt be asking for advice and spending money on a divorce coach.

Obviously I want to go the "right" way. What I've been asking is how do I know if its working? How do I know if I need to adjust tactic in regards to how I respond to him? Since it doesn't happen overnight, what changes or reactions am I supposed to be looking for?

Is it supposed to annoy him that I don't have time to talk to him all the time? Is the point to act like we're already divorced and for me to move on so he feels the loss before it actually gets to that point, or is the point to emphasize positive connection while maintaining a good distance?

Again, since my husband and I live 1200 miles apart at the moment, the short phone conversations are the only contact we have. And I am fully aware how much more difficult that makes it for him to see my positive changes.

I know I keep asking a lot of you guys and I really appreciate all of your responses. I'm working hard on myself to make myself feel better about all of this BS too. I'm reading a codependency book and talking to a coach tonight. I'm doing everything I can. Its so much crap to absorb.

Detaching is a win/win because it has a hope of 2 wins....one partly being your own sanity and the other as giving a chance to save your marriage. I know that it seems counterproductive towards saving your marriage but what you have been doing has pushed him to a lawyer. As it was mentioned, you have been fired (or atleast suspended) as his wife.

You mentioned that the underlying objective for you is to save your marriage....that's why 99.99% are here. Also, you are meeting with a divorce BUSTING coach. Not a divorce coach as you mentioned. That's who H has met with.

Fwiw, I'm not so sure I completely believe he met a lawyer today that would tell him to text you asking how you are dividing stuff and put pressure it needed done immediately. Sounds like scare tactics and lashing. Stay calm. Let him know your email address and postal address to send how he and his lawyer have addressed the finances and that you will need to have it looked over by your lawyer and you will get back to them. Super civil. Many on here will say once it gets to actual divorce view it as a business transaction. I know think you are there yet.

My w has met with an atty "several times" per her. She asked me financial stuff "just in case the atty needed it". Those statements don't match up. An atty will tell you what you will need within the first meeting.

Stay strong. Keep reading.