CBTDAD, Oh man. I am going to be blunt with you. She is not having sex with you because not because her sex drive is low. So there should be no surprise she is pleasuring herself.
She is not not having sex with you because you aren't good in bed.
She is not having sexual relationship with you a comfortable place with you. And from your non-tactful ways of addressing her, I would feel the same way. I am sorry.
I understand your needs aren't getting met, but you keep setting yourself back from getting them met. She's right, you keep shattering the plate before it gets put back together. Perhaps you are self-sabotaging so you have a reason to get out? I don't know.
Try to have a nice anniversary dinner. No R talk, no sex talk, try to go back where the two of you enjoyed eachother's company without sex or tension. Remember what brought you together in the first place.
