Just keep plugging along

[cbtdad]

Having been on the forum much unfortunately. I've been kind of laying low.
Everything has been going fine for the most part up until yesterday morning.
I snooped again. I did snoop on her email or anything, I actually snooped to see if she used her "toy"
Well she had and that was the second time in a week. I don't know why it's bothering my so much but it is. I guess I feel insecure and that I am getting replaced by a vibrator and that I'm not good enough. I hesitated whether I was going to even bring it up or not, but of course I did.
I started off the conversation by asking, "did you masturbate this often when we were having sex?"
Of course that didn't go so well. I then ended up going into the graphic porn I know she was looking at months ago.
I also told her that it if she would put half the effort into saving our marriage as she does paramedic school then we might have a chance
I went down that cheeseless tunnel again. I don't know why I can't seem to stay on the path I know that works.
We talked about it when I got home yesterday. I told her that I was sorry for the things I said. I told her meant what I said about putting in half the effort but that I shouldn't have said that to her.
She said it was like the broken plate again. Just shattering her hopes
We talked things out, but I like each time this happens it's closer to the end
I fill like subconsciencely I am self sabotaging this whole thing
I really feel low once again I am delaying the inevitable
Yes this is over sex. It's been over 6 months. My needs aren't getting met in this marriage and I'm growing very impatient

Today is our 9th anniversary
We are going out to dinner tonight. We shall see how things go
All I know is I must focus on me regardless. Because I need to be happy with or without her. And lately I seem to be tying it to this marriage again