If LD's can not desire. then what?

[eyesopened]

Hairdog,
I've been thinking about what you said and am still trying to figure out what's going on with me. I may not be on this board much today since I'm trying to finish up my parents' tax return and then will have to work on my husband's and mine, which is going to be a pain this year, since we have several entries on the dreaded Form 4797 this year.

Things are still going very well between my husband and me with lots of physical affection. We didn't ML last night but only because it was very late by time we went to bed and he has to be up at 6 am. But, I feel like a mess emotionally. On an anxiety scale of 1 through 10 with 10 being the point where I completely avoid caffeine and reach for the Xanax to prevent a panic attack, I'm probably a 7 right now. Yet, I also feel very happy and satisfied (my love bank or love tank is as full as can be). So, I'm happy and feeling emotionally fulfilled but I'm also on the verge of a panic attack. So, what's going on with me? Darned if I know.

Believe it or not, I'm probably more of an optimist than a pessimist although since the birth of my first child I've been a major league worrier, so it's not the happiness that's making me feel vulnerable and scared. The only thing I can think of now is that it's because this happiness and fulfillment is because of my husband; and I can't bear the vulnerability of being dependent on him. I'm scared of being needy and vulnerable (as you can see, the key word here is "vulnerable").

And, whether I'll admit it or not, I love him so much that I need him; and I don't know how to handle that. It scares me, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost him (and I'm not just talking about him leaving, but losing him to a drunk driver or something like that). I think that I'm strictly a one-man woman, and he's the man.

You asked how I dealt with the vulnerability early in the relationship. I have to think about that. Our relationship started like others that I had with one big difference. He's the only man I've known that I didn't want to leave after making love. I had a hard time literally sleeping with a guy after making love with him. He'd usually want to hug or touch, and I'd be hanging off the edge of the bed. I felt more comfortable in my own apartment but would have preferred that my lovers leave after ML. It's as though I really needed the emotional and physical space after ML. But, with my husband, from the first time we made love (we'd dated for 2 or 3 months first), I'd wake up in his arms and hugged tight against him and it didn't bother me. In fact, I loved it, and felt safe and protected for the first time in my life that I could remember. And, as good as it felt, it also made me feel uncomfortable. And, as time went on, I hated and fought against wanting him as much as I did.

He's often said that I run hot and cold, and he's right. But, I don't deliberately or consciously do so.
Hairdog, like I said, I'm still trying to figure this out myself. Meanwhile, what I love about Michele and other counselors such as Willard Harley is that they emphasize action (in other words, just do it) rather than saying that you have to understand why you feel the way you do before changing. The only catch, of course, is that you can only change yourself. I know that I've hurt my husband; I know that I'm responsible for a lot of the problems in our marriage; and I know that I want to change. Thanks to Michele and Willard Harley, I now know how to identify some of the problems and how to make good changes. I couldn't bear to hurt my husband anymore by starting to make changes and then going back to the old ways again. And, fortunately for me, he's very responsive to what I'm doing so it makes it easier to maintain the changes. I just need to make sure that I don't backslide.

Cemar,
I'm sorry about your sitch. I just wanted to clarify a couple of things.

I enjoy sex and I'm very comfortable with it; but I wouldn't say that I have a high sex drive per se. In fact, the first time I had sexual intercourse (when I was in college), I remember being slightly amused and wondering why it was such a big deal especially since I'd been having orgasms for quite some time from long make-out sessions that included minimal or no direct stimulation.

One of my major regrets is that I wish I'd let my husband control the frequency since his drive definitely is higher. If something happened and we couldn't have sex any more, I wouldn't be out cruising trying to find somebody for sex. If the physical urge was there, I know how to obtain physical release. I just can't imagine having sex (probably better identified as ML) with anybody except my husband.

Like the majority of women Willard Harley discussed in his book, His Needs, Her Needs, sex doesn't even make it into my top 5 emotional needs. Affection, including physical affection (and I'd classify ML with my husband as just one of many types of physical affection, including those sessions where I'll happily "do him" while he lies back and doesn't need to do anything himself), is my top need. Unfortunately, my top need is one that I'm often fighting against, which, in turn, has often left my husband deprived of one of his top emotional needs (I think that sex and affection are probably tied as his top 2 emotional needs, which is why I understand what you're saying when you say that you don't just want sex, you also want affection).