Your h is right...how can he help you if he can't even help himself? You have a grown up teenager on your hands and he's not going to help you. You need to pull up your big girl panties and start learning how to ask for help from friends and family. He's absolutely no good to you at the moment and it's going to be a long time before he will help you.
The more you talk to him, the more he's not going to do anything to help you. In fact, he's going to do whatever he wants and when he wants and what is so sad, you can't rationalize w/him. The first order of business for now is to cease all talks about him helping you and being there for you. These talks are pushing him further and further away. The hardest part is you are the only sane grown up in the room right now, which means you have to be the mother and the father.
Did you read all of HaWho's threads? She was in the same boat a year or so ago, but she's learned how to do for herself and her sons while her h is zoned out. Try to view your h as a roommate or a distant relative from Mars who is visiting and keep your expectations at zero because he's not going to do what you ask him...remember, he fired you from being his wife for now.
Time to regroup and start asking for help IRL. Leave him to twirl in the wind and if he asks about the kids, then tell him what's going on, but don't volunteer info unless you think it is something he really needs to know.
Go home this evening and do whatever you usually do and do not have another discussion about what he's not doing. If he raises the subject, then talk to him about it, but for now...leave it alone. Just like a teenager, the more you point out what they should be doing, the more they won't do what you are asking of them.
If he should do something for you or on his own and it's good, then be sure to thank him for doing whatever it is. The more he is recognized for good behavior, the better and the more likely he will begin to thaw just a wee bit and come forward to help out a bit. They need validation and admiration quite often.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Leave him to twirl in the wind.
