Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 5)

[JRuss]

Sorry I've been AWOL, FG and lt -- more on that in a moment.

Second MC went ok, I guess. It's still pretty one-sided and weighted to W's perspective/experience, but W seems bought in and even asked the MC when we could schedule Round 3 (it will be 11/10). That seemed bullish to me, but then I start second guessing, thinking she has in mind a set number of meetings she needs to go to to do her duty and then will pull the plug, and she's just looking to get there. I don't know why I do that to myself, but I do.

So the sessions both have seemed to go well in terms of W opening up, sharing, and catharsis, but there's no change on the ground at all that I can detect in terms of her moving anywhere back towards me or the marriage. And with the meetings spread out every two weeks, I'm not sure how we ever generate any momentum, because we just go back home and into the same dynamic. The MC recommended a book to me (which I've read) after the first session, and she sent me home with a thought she wanted me to try to keep in mind ("How am I making my partner feel?") during the interim period, but there doesn't seem to be much homework or anything that I can see that will move the dial. Maybe that comes later, after the MC is sure W isn't going to pull the plug? Not sure.

One of the things that came up in Round 2 was that W is really pushed away by my palpable sadness. "It just comes off of you and permeates everything", "friends, relatives and the kids can tell you're miserable", etc. As I've relayed, I'm not detached, haven't been able to get there, and I'm sure that this is right and accurate. I'm not an actor, and I come off as heartbroken, because I am. But I'm going to try to figure this out. I need to be sunnier on the outside, and I guess that's why the MC sent me home with that thought to keep in mind.

Which is part of why I've been AWOL. As incredible as the support is here, and it is incredible -- I wish so much I could repay the kindness I've been shown here by you guys and others! -- reading all of the various sitches and all of the horrible pain that's being suffered by so many seemingly great people, it contributes to my sadness. I take it on and carry it alongside all of what I'm dealing with in my own sitch and, as I said, I need to be projecting a more detached, happier image, so I've been staying away. I feel guilty about that. Does this happen to anyone else?

I sure am hoping for good things in all of our sitches, though, and if I'm not around quite as much, I hope people will understand. I will be here as I can handle it, for sure.