Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

So turns out the talk was about S12, not our R.
Still the same issue of S12 being on phone too much, he ran out of data and asked to use his mums phone on a car journey yesterday. He installed instagram chat on it, and we have seen all the stuff he has been posting. Lots of swearing etc, too be honest, normal adolescent boys stuff. But he did post some pictures to friends which were not really appropriate.

So wife and I talked about it first. She said that we should bring him into the bedroom to tell him, and I said lets agree on what we want to say first and what the consequences should be. She agreed and we talked a bit more. This is good for me, to take the lead on how to handle it. Just before we called him in, I said, can you try not to get too angry so we can discuss it with him properly. Straight away she starts saying that I should look at myself before accusing someone of getting angry all the time. This is her fantasy, as although I did used to get angry, I haven't being doing that for a few years now. Anyway, I said I'm not blaming you I'm just saying that alot of the time you will get too emotional and just say "just get out of my sight" to S12 before we discuss it with him enough.

She did calm down and then I called S12 in. We had a long chat, where I did most of the talking to S12. My wife let me take the lead on the talk, which I have done quite a few times now. She would say something once in a while, but it was largely me. This again is important to me (and maybe her), that I am disciplining our children as well.

Admittedly our approaches are beginning to differ, as she just thinks of punishment straight away, whereas I think of discussing the why of the behaviour with the child first. I think at 12 years old they are getting old enough to reason with, but who knows, I'm not saying either approach is right.

I added an app on his phone to block all social media sites for now and that's is where it stands for now.

My wife and I talked a bit more, and she said that there is no hope for this child, he just can't change his behaviour and there's nothing we can do. I said there must be other approaches we can try to help him understand. She said, "Whats your great idea for a new approach then ?". I said, "Im not sure, just that we havent tried everything and i'm not willing to give up on my child yet".

She said, "I didn't say I'm giving up on my child. Honestly Rob, everyday I am with you I can't stand you, please someone kill me now!".

I said, "why would you say that? I'm not accusing you of giving up, but you did say that there is nothing we can do". She made fun of me trying to explain what I had said (which she does alot), but I finished what I was saying and left the room.

I had to go back in a bit later to get her to sign something for mortgage and she was ok again.

Summary of Today

1. Can't believe how much anxiety I had when I got the intial text, really need to work on this, not detached at all when anything big comes up!
2. Was happy in general with the way I handled this evening. Anything I say that she might think is something negative on her, she will go in for the kill. This has been her behaviour for a very long time, used to use the D word as I said before when she didn't like the argument.
3. I should probably practice how I phrase statements, as I wasn't trying to accuse her of things, but the reality of her losing her temper (control) when kids upset her is there. If we are to ever heal and stay together she has to accept some of her behaviour is not acceptable.
4. The comment of I can't stand being with you, kill me now. It seems so over the top over a misunderstanding. Once she says these words and calms down, she acts like nothing happened, she never offers an apology, but then I never ask for one either.