If LD's can not desire. then what?

[eyesopened]

SuperDave,
I think your theory has validity; and as I recall, Michele says something similar in her book.
Last week, I had an epiphany or revelation in which I realized that I'd been blaming my husband for problems in our marriage but didn't see or want to accept responsibility for my own unkindness and unloving attitude and behaviors.
Michele writes about a couple where the wife doesn't realize how hurt and rejected her husband feels when she turns him down for sex. That could have been me but with some other issues thrown in.
Tomorrow I'm going to start a thread similar to your journal showing what's happening in my marriage now that I'm trying as hard as I can to meet my husband's needs, especially for sexual intimacy, and, as Cemar says, to really desire my husband (in other words, not to just go through the motions as though scratching an itch).

In just 4 days, the results are stunning to me (long intimate conversations, lots of affection from him, a couple dozen roses from him last night, a more relaxed and happier husband, and lots of soul searching and remorse on my part). We never had a problem with sexual hangups or physical problems; I simply thought I was too busy or tired or I was irritated at him. He'd been rejected so often (although I didn't see it as rejection) that he often didn't ask. When he did ask, the sex seemed to be very good; it just wasn't as often as he really wanted.

Anyway, I've been initiating every night for the last few nights (and offering and giving foot and back massages, too) and have apologized for rejecting him in the past (I feel like I could never apologize enough, and he tells me that it's water under the bridge and not to worry about it).

I love him and he's a very good, considerate, and skillful lover, but I've seen sex as me doing something for him. Until last night. I woke up late at night (actually early this morning) and wanted very much for him to want me.

And, I realized what Cemar's been talking about. It wasn't that I simply wanted him to have sex with me (although the sexual desire was definitely there and surprisingly strong). I needed him to want me. He woke up, asked me what I wanted, and I told him I wanted him. We made love, which was wonderful, but I laid there afterwards with tears running down my cheeks (I didn't want to keep him awake because I didn't even know why I was crying).

And, I finally realized after more than 20 years of marriage that what kept me from allowing myself to truly desire him through our marriage was that it made me feel vulnerable, that this went far beyond mere sex and involved trust and intimacy and emotional vulnerability.

And, I wonder how in the world he was able to tolerate his own feelings of being rejected and still love and stay married to me. I don't know if this will make any sense, and I'm still trying to figure out what's going on; plus I'm starting to feel a little anxious about being vulnerable. My biggest hurdle over the next few months will be to stay the course and not push him away as in the past when I start feeling too vulnerable.

But, to get back to your point, after only 4 nights of us making love and being more affectionate and loving with each other (and to his credit, his behavior has been very reinforcing and everything that I want deep down), my sexual desire for him has come back with a vengeance. Now, all I have to do (all I have to do?) is to keep from ruining things like before. And, this is going to have to be something I take responsibility for because I see now that I have the real problem with intimacy and trust, not him.