The W has also expressed her difficulty in getting to work on time on the morning that she has him and I wonder if this is a reason behind her request to change arrangements.
I've stood firm and stated that I think that things are working and that his clinginess is him adjusting.
Good job! This is all about her and what's easier & more convenient for her. Most 3 yr old children have their clingy times, especially when their environment has changed. So she's having a difficult time. This is the real world. She wanted to leave the M, and one of the consequences of S/D is not having the other parent to take over whenever she's tired, late for work, or whatever. I think this is just the first of other things she'll be asking from you. If you examine any of her requests, I think you'll be able to see an underlining where it is really for her benefit.
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I came from a family where my parents had (what I perceived to be) a perfect marriage. If there were problems, you'd sit down and sort them out. This is ingrained into me (core belief).
Hmmm, so did I. Imagine my frustration when I discovered I had M a man who did not want to sit and sort out the problems! I was the only one talking, and he tuned me out......much like some H's here on the board has done whith their own W's.
It's hard to adapt to a different style, when you don't know how on earth to work it out without discussing it. Thing is, she is not listening to anything you say. If you want to get a message to her, you do it through your actions.
For example, you showed her that she can't switch the schedule around every time she is struggles with S3 clingy. I said you showed her, really you told her......and now will put it into action. Point being, no long discussions about it, just state it and then carry through. She is going to test your strength many times. You can show her your inner strength by standing tall as a man, and as a father who is doing what's best for his son. She no longer will lead you around by the nose. She removed herself from the M, and your protection.....and other advantages she had living in the home as your W.
You say your W has no reason to trust your words, and I think I know how you mean this statement. For practice, and to retrain your mindset a little here.........don't use statements about your W and trusting you. My reason behind this suggestion is b/c a lot of W's will twist things around to cause the H to feel he is the one who can't be trusted. She will point fingers at him, b/c it takes the spotlight off herself. The problems are directed at him and she doesn't have to explain her own actions. See what I mean? Don't get into that mindset that you have to win her trust. Stay balanced and remember she was the one that left. It is probably a waste of my time to tell you to make changes for yourself, and don't do it to impress her. If you do it just to win her back, you'll stop as soon as she goes back home. These changes need to be for you, and to learn to like and respect yourself as you become an attractive, confident man.
I won't get into the issues about your mother's death. The past two years I have lost my mom and my D. So, I understand the hurt........the loss. I just want to tell you that sometimes we have to forgive our loved ones for leaving us. Sometimes, it helps me to just to share it with another poster, to let them know I can identify with that kind of pain. It's not for sympathy, but maybe to help another fellow being, and maybe even to heal a little more myself. I am so sorry that you have suffered so long. I hope your C works with grieving patients. (((RBG)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
