So received an email from the W this morning stating that she suggests we change our custody split with our S. Currently we split 50/50 and it works (starting from Monday) 2x3x2 then it reverses...
Now I think that this is working quite well for our S but the W has suggested that he's being clingy. I've said all along that this will affect him as us being together is all he's ever know. She believes that it wont affect him!!
The W has also expressed her difficulty in getting to work on time on the morning that she has him and I wonder if this is a reason behind her request to change arrangements.
I've stood firm and stated that I think that things are working and that his clinginess is him adjusting.
My S's feelings are paramount above both mine and my W's but I appreciate that flexibility is the key to having something sustainable for the future.
Wouldn't mind others thoughts on this....
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
The W has also expressed her difficulty in getting to work on time on the morning that she has him and I wonder if this is a reason behind her request to change arrangements.
I've stood firm and stated that I think that things are working and that his clinginess is him adjusting.
Good job! This is all about her and what's easier & more convenient for her. Most 3 yr old children have their clingy times, especially when their environment has changed. So she's having a difficult time. This is the real world. She wanted to leave the M, and one of the consequences of S/D is not having the other parent to take over whenever she's tired, late for work, or whatever. I think this is just the first of other things she'll be asking from you. If you examine any of her requests, I think you'll be able to see an underlining where it is really for her benefit.
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I came from a family where my parents had (what I perceived to be) a perfect marriage. If there were problems, you'd sit down and sort them out. This is ingrained into me (core belief).
Hmmm, so did I. Imagine my frustration when I discovered I had M a man who did not want to sit and sort out the problems! I was the only one talking, and he tuned me out......much like some H's here on the board has done whith their own W's.
It's hard to adapt to a different style, when you don't know how on earth to work it out without discussing it. Thing is, she is not listening to anything you say. If you want to get a message to her, you do it through your actions.
For example, you showed her that she can't switch the schedule around every time she is struggles with S3 clingy. I said you showed her, really you told her......and now will put it into action. Point being, no long discussions about it, just state it and then carry through. She is going to test your strength many times. You can show her your inner strength by standing tall as a man, and as a father who is doing what's best for his son. She no longer will lead you around by the nose. She removed herself from the M, and your protection.....and other advantages she had living in the home as your W.
You say your W has no reason to trust your words, and I think I know how you mean this statement. For practice, and to retrain your mindset a little here.........don't use statements about your W and trusting you. My reason behind this suggestion is b/c a lot of W's will twist things around to cause the H to feel he is the one who can't be trusted. She will point fingers at him, b/c it takes the spotlight off herself. The problems are directed at him and she doesn't have to explain her own actions. See what I mean? Don't get into that mindset that you have to win her trust. Stay balanced and remember she was the one that left. It is probably a waste of my time to tell you to make changes for yourself, and don't do it to impress her. If you do it just to win her back, you'll stop as soon as she goes back home. These changes need to be for you, and to learn to like and respect yourself as you become an attractive, confident man.
I won't get into the issues about your mother's death. The past two years I have lost my mom and my D. So, I understand the hurt........the loss. I just want to tell you that sometimes we have to forgive our loved ones for leaving us. Sometimes, it helps me to just to share it with another poster, to let them know I can identify with that kind of pain. It's not for sympathy, but maybe to help another fellow being, and maybe even to heal a little more myself. I am so sorry that you have suffered so long. I hope your C works with grieving patients. (((RBG)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So received an email from the W this morning stating that she suggests we change our custody split with our S. Currently we split 50/50 and it works (starting from Monday) 2x3x2 then it reverses...
Now I think that this is working quite well for our S but the W has suggested that he's being clingy.
Just curious what changing the schedule has to do with him being "clingy"? Is she suggesting more handoffs? Fewer? Is she suggesting changing parenting time?
That said, Im not sure Ive ever heard 2-3-2. Most common I think are 2-2-3 and 2-2-5-5. I have a 3-3-4-4. But I guess whatever works best for you guys. Just seems strange to me to handoff on Saturday morning.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss too, but its good to know that there someone who understands
I look back and can see that when she's asked me to lend her £20 a couple of times and that I've obliged, she taking the p!ss. It's hard when she says its for food though, but I guess I need to start being somewhat more firm.
I think its even harder to adapt to a different style of dealing with issues when you didn't even know that you needed to. Now that I am moving forward, I need to figure out what works for me and my S.
You're spot on about how the W has twisted things around. It clearly takes two to break a M, but all responsibility seems to be lying on my shoulders - now this is b/c I've taken a lot of responsibility during the initial weeks, however there seems no acceptance from her as to the part that she played (but then again why would she as she's the one who's left?, I just wonder if there will be a moment of realisation by her, and if so worry that I may have already moved on.
I beginning to see the love from friends, family and colleagues and this is really helping. but I'm trying to fall back in love with myself, and ensure that I do things for myself. (I've already dropped a couple of clothes sizes with I'm chuffed about).
Thanks Sandi. As always, I REALLY appreciate your support.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
That's my thought exactly. He is being clingy b/c he is 3.5 and confused - its a natural reaction. I think she feels that he should be at home in his own bedroom in the week (which I get), but I think that the reason behind this is so that she can get to work on time. I feel that its more important that he spends time with both parents in an environment that he feels comfortable.
At the moment the W is staying at her Moms (which I guess isn't great for her as she shares a room with our S), and she has mentioned getting her own place. I know that this is inevitable, but it feels like another nail in the coffin. I'm also worried about money as our house is in negative equity (so makes sense for one of us to stay there - which is likely to be me), but I'll be left with little to no money.
The other option is to let her have the house (although doubt she'd be able to afford it), but then it means that I'm renting an apartment, with no savings and a car on finance. I'd be in no better a situation than an 18 year old lad straight out of school. A massive backwards step!
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
That's my thought exactly. He is being clingy b/c he is 3.5 and confused - its a natural reaction. I think she feels that he should be at home in his own bedroom in the week (which I get), but I think that the reason behind this is so that she can get to work on time. I feel that its more important that he spends time with both parents in an environment that he feels comfortable.
So wait, shes offering you MORE time with him?
Originally Posted By: RBG80
I'm also worried about money as our house is in negative equity (so makes sense for one of us to stay there - which is likely to be me), but I'll be left with little to no money.
The other option is to let her have the house (although doubt she'd be able to afford it), but then it means that I'm renting an apartment, with no savings and a car on finance. I'd be in no better a situation than an 18 year old lad straight out of school. A massive backwards step!
So which option is best for you? I imagine you could also sell the house and split the deficit.
She offered to come to the house and spend time with him and then put him to bed and leave. I didn't think that was a good idea at all. Firstly I think that this would be bad for my boy (if he wakes up in the night expecting to see mommy), and secondly, it doesn't seem right pretending that things are normal.
We could sell the house and split the debt, but there would be like £70 saving on rent and with the scope of property price increases, I'd rather try and hang on to the house...
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
She offered to come to the house and spend time with him and then put him to bed and leave. I didn't think that was a good idea at all. Firstly I think that this would be bad for my boy (if he wakes up in the night expecting to see mommy), and secondly, it doesn't seem right pretending that things are normal.
I dont know that it would be bad. My kid was a similar age when I was going through the separation and I didnt really experience those kinds of troubles.
That said, I dont think you want to be seeing her every single day.
Originally Posted By: RBG80
We could sell the house and split the debt, but there would be like £70 saving on rent and with the scope of property price increases, I'd rather try and hang on to the house...
So theres your answer. Its about what is best for RBG and son.
I'm trying to set my goals but would love some help as I dont know that I'm on the right track.
My initial goals were : 1. I would like to spend Christmas together. 2. I would like to have more communication between us. 3. I would like to do more things together.
I then read that they needed to be action orientated and changed them to: 1. I would like the 3 of us (M,W & S) to be spending the day happily together on Christmas. 2. I would like us to have more time together to discuss our day / feelings / dreams and listen to one another. 3. I would like the chance to take her out on a date and enjoy each others company on our own.
I then get to the request of breaking these down into manageable pieces (what would be the 1st indicator) and I'm struggling. How do I break these down? Or have I got these wrong in the 1st place?
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
OK, so I tend to disagree with what MWD writes in DR with respect to goals. I think those are more like "relationship mile markers" that you are targeting to hit. As Ive been taught, goals should be SMART:
S- specific - be clear in what you want to achieve M - measurable - make sure you can identify whether you hit your goal. Saying "eat healthier" isnt really a goal, because you cant measure it. A - Action oriented - make sure its something you can do to achieve it. R - Relevant - no reason to make goals that dont apply to your life. T - Time-based - give yourself a deadline to achieve these.
Id recommend making your goals about you. Make sure they are within your control as to whether you complete them or not.
