Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi. Vanilla, I can't tell you how much it means that you are willing to hang around here with me. I am just about to steep myself a nice cup of tea, so it's a good time for me to write a bit here.

And thanks for the gentle prod to get back here, SH. I'm not in exile, so much as playing ostrich (head in the sand), I guess. I've been busy and without blocks of time to check in, and there is certainly a bit of avoidance of wanting to deal with this whole thing. I'm also still hanging around in the land of "I don't care an awful lot." It's not every day, but it's often.

Since seeing STBXWH, and finding myself feeling compassion towards him, of all things, I find myself thinking of him often again. Not wistfully, just having those stupid imaginary conversations, the wondering, the confusion about what the heck happened. I talked to my therapist about this yesterday, and the thought was that since I have had no closure of any type with this person I loved for 2.5 decades, that seeing him again, even if from across a room, has put me back into a bit of the old thought patterns that I had walled off for so many months. I was barely thinking of him at all for huge blocks of time, and now he wanders across my mind every day again, and it feels like a step backward.

I have had contractors at my house most days since the end of last week, getting estimates on some much-needed repairs that the court has agreed that WH should pay, so I don't really even feel like I own my own schedule at the moment. Today I didn't want to get out of bed again. And I am back to having sleep quality issues, as well as not having a sleep schedule to speak of, though I am making progress on that front this past week. Kind of ironic, though, that as I am getting my sleep schedule back on track that I am having problems actually sleeping! I lay awake, wake up often, and am back to early wakening. Darn it. So, a few steps forward, a few steps back.

I got my first support payment, so I at least feel like there are a few dollars between me and the financial wall. These things usually work out, I know.

It's been raining and cold and windy here for days, and this morning it's in the upper 30s and intermittently rainy/ice pellet-y. I really want to go outdoors and pick apples from my old trees, but am not feeling like getting that chilled down. I am scheduled to press apples for cider this coming weekend with H-friend, and really need something to actually press!!! The weather has just been so uncooperative, though, and the dreary weather is certainly not helping my overall ambivalence, either. The funny thing is that I usually love rainy days. I think I'd rather have snow now, though. At least it looks pretty and a person can stay dry and warm in the snow, which is a whole lot harder in the rain.
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Well, I wrote all of that this morning, and then the sun peeked out, so I went outside and took a really nice walk, scouting for apples and found... almost none! So, I see some apple purchasing in my future. I like the free wild ones best, but most of the old heirloom/wild trees fruit every other year, and this isn't one of them!

Time for me to run. I'm making dinner tonight for myself and l-friend. I'm thinking that it's a good night for come comfort food - homemade mac and cheese, actually.

Thanks again for the support. It really means a lot to me.