I find my self in complete agreement with CeMar that DESIRE is the Holy Grail of happiness and have been puzzling how to get there. I have started reading "His Needs, Her Needs" which is interesting because it is the first book I've read that I don't identify with and believe that most of us SSMers would not identify with it either. The book is based on the stereotypical assumption that men crave sex and women crave affection and that a man can get sex by giving affection and a woman can get affection by giving sex. OK that is probably true for the 80% (or whatever it is) of couples who fit the stereotype but one thing that is obvious from reading this forum is that we are all very similar and our Rs do not fit this stereotype at all. In our cases it is the HD (man or woman) that craves both the sex and the affection and the LD spouse craves neither. The book says to the man “Give more affection and get more sex” but if we give more affection it has the opposite effect on our LDWs. The book says to the woman “Give more sex and get more affection” but the more available she makes herself the less her LDH wants her. Understanding that our traditional (and instinctive) methods are not working we concentrate on LLs and do all manner of household chores, gift giving, quality conversation etc. none of which creates a feeling of desire in our spouses. The worry is that it is a genetic trait and there is nothing that can be done to restore, nurture and grow desire in a person that is genetically incapable of feeling it. SD
