New LBH with WAW/Possibly WW, help Part 2

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Don't miss my post from yesterday above. I'm still on restriction here so occasionally my posts take a long time to get approved.

I don't like speculation. It's like going into a battle guessing what your opponent is doing. Plus, often speculation allows the imagination to wild and free and fill in knowledge gaps with all sorts of stuff that didn't happen. Your anger last night is a good example. You presume her dinner or whatever out with some unknown guy was bad. It probably was but who knows. While I agree it's unhealthy to snoop and monitor your spouse 24/7, I also think knowing what you are up against is important. If she's having another affair, you need to know that and last night would have been a good opportunity for ONE NIGHT ONLY to have planted a recording device. The argument against snooping given by Ms. Weiner-Davis in The Divorce Remedy is "since you can't approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping" I would argue doesn't fully apply here because this wouldn't be voyeuristic all consuming 24/7 snooping and you are already hurting and mad WONDERING who this new guy is and what they are doing. Snooping for basic information like confirming an affair isn't what Ms. Wiener-Davis is/was writing about. An knowing versus speculating is important because If it's an another affair - the recommended battle plan would be completely different that if it's just some male friend she's whining to about her life and who might even be encouraging her to reconcile.

My GUESS is this guy is probably connected with OM somehow and either she or OM arranged from them to communicate through this 3rd party. I doubt OM came into town because she would have been far more secretive about the meet up and she would have spent the night out with him. So this guy just arranged a phone call or skpe or whatever using his electronic devices that OM's wife wouldn't suspect.

One way to tell is her mood. IF she had contact, she'd have a weight lifted off her shoulders and be generally in a better mood. If the conversation went well (from her point of view wanting the affair to continue) she'd come home anxious to get the ball rolling on separation/divorce. If the conversation didn't got great and they just said their goodbyes and checked in with each other, she'd still be happier because she had contact but I'd expect her vigor to pursue the divorce/separation might relax a bit since getting OM back by doing so isn't in the cards and she'll be back in withdrawal shortly.

Pay attention for alternative means of contact. If she's back in an affair, you'll know the signs of secretive behavior (like phone guarding and consumed with her laptop). But she might have a secret affair phone hidden elsewhere. OM has to hide things from his wife too.

OR it's just some other other man. Plenty of wayward wives, once they take the leap, find other distractions online in the form of flirting and risky behavior with other guys. They FEEL they've found the fountain of youth and become goddesses which can result in them courting other opportunities and escapades. She FEELS free to pursue whatever she wants so from her standpoint, she's doing nothing wrong.

Even if that's the case, USUALLY these replacement OM's are a horrible replacement for the "soulmate OM" and they end up disappointed by these guys. Woman love one man at once and it's tough to MAKE that feeling transfer from OM back to their husband/family, let alone some strange man. In that case, she'd come home mad because YOU ruined her ONE SHOT at happiness with the ONE and ONLY MAN in the world she wanted to be with (the OM) and even though she tried to like this guy it's not happening with him either and now she just wants to be done with all men. ("if I can't have OM, then I won't be with any man"). Give her time and space. It's a roller coaster and she's near the bottom right now. If you do anything help distract her without drawing attention to yourself "trying" to do anything at all.