Waywards do come back. First step: LET GO

[BluWave]

cheesyt, I am so glad that was helpful! Sometimes when we read threads here it begins to all look the same "180, GAL, focus on self, and detachment," and it's completely overwhelming when we are lost and depressed. I know when I used to read here (when H left me), it made sense logically but I didn't know how to do it. When worded differently and even metaphorically it speaks to some of us. I really like the Island analogy. It had me thinking about my own sitch and why at times I may feel stuck. Put simply, I never finished Island 2 when H came back. So I also never fully moved off of Island 1. I keep wanting to revisit it, and sometimes get stuck somewhere in between.

SH, my dear friend, thank you. Your words are so thoughtful, wise, and supportive. I truly appreciate what you wrote and I think I need to retread it several times for it to sink in. It's interesting that you are telling my how hard I am on myself because I was telling you the exact same thing earlier this year. Perhaps it takes one to know one :-)

You are correct tho. I am my own harshest critic and I have heard that my entire adult life. I think it's also helped me to be successful in other areas tho--academically and in my work. So what you are saying is that I need to find forgiveness of myself in order to heal? And that I need to heal my heart in order to move forward in forgiving my H? Then how would you propose I start?

I don't see myself giving up on H or walking away ever. However I know I keep him at arms length, and I do this by doing nothing. My inactions are my actions for slowly continuing detachment. I hadn't thought of myself as stubborn until this sitch In the last couple years. I just can't quite accept what he did. I want to, but that is where I get stuck. Is it the betrayal or is it that I have not healed from the trauma? I have not even shared some of the details that lead up to his A, and it's pretty awful.

He apologizes all the time. He is incredibly remorseful and regretful. He has taken full responsibility, he is committed to doing whatever it takes, and he is also recovering from being the Nice Guy. So he has to walk the fine line of being present and patient but not falling back into being a doormat. His years of Nice Guy (door mat) behavior are one of the things that corroded our M. I lost respect for him and he grew resentful and found me controlling--we were very codependent.

It's interesting because he is naturally good at DB without having read the material or knowing what it means. He doesn't pursue, he is working on himself, he validates, and he is available when I reach out. He is an awesome lighthouse so to speak. Perhaps that's why I won't become a WAS! Perhaps I need to truly and fully move off of island 1 and swim to the light.... Oh man that was cheesy but so true. Lol.

Blu