Maybell 40

[Underdog]

Maybell,

I come offering hugs and coffee (or tea). It wasn't terribly long ago that I was in your shoes and feeling hopeless and full of despair. The important thing is that you have emotional support - if only to say we have your back and you're gonna be okay.

So, the only thing I can do is tell you that how you're feeling is completely understandable and normal. You're ok. You're not imagining that a 13 year old girl is hateful one moment and loving/helpful the next. Dare I say to make a mental trip back to 13 and recall how you were? My sister says it best: we were trolls. Hideous, awful trolls. The only reason my D22 was not a troll at 13 (she was delayed LOL) was because she was so in love with volleyball at that age and her devotion to the cause eclipsed everything else. Once that devotion was behind her (you know, the blind devotion), she became a troll. A hideous, manipulative and mean troll. Five short years ago, I probably cried more than I ever cried in my life.

I also understand the pressure you have at work. I'm self employed and I pay everyone else before I take anything. I haven't paid myself all year, thanks to predictably horrible corporate purchasing (or lack thereof) during election years. Going 100% commission takes balls, and I wish I could find someone like you to come work for me. So swing those balls around with confidence, because it takes a confident and capable person to make that work. Give yourself a little time to kick into gear, and once you do, you're gonna kick ass. Hopefully, your employer has your back as well.

I moved less than a year ago and my house (and furnishings) are not settled either. There are days when I feel motivated, but most days I'm too tired to continue. I hire a handyman when my list exceeds 4 items that overwhelm me. I'm at that point again myself.

I keep a clip board of paper and write down stuff that needs to be done. When my D22 was at home, I deliberately kept it out in the open so she could see what chores were present just to keep our family going. When she was feeling helpful, she'd do some stuff on my list - like mow the lawn. You've got 3 kids, so perhaps your list would get some more assistance? It surprised me at how much happier I was at home when I felt supported.

The last (and most important) thing I want to say is that you absolutely MUST schedule some time for self care. It's a disciplined way of creating balance in your life - mainly the balance of staying sane with 3 kids and nourishing yourself.

I might have mentioned here at some point one of the best penance assignments I ever received. It was Christmas time, and I told my pastor in the confessional that I was a lousy mother... that I lost my temper too often and took my stress out on the girls. When I finished going on about how unhappy I was about the job I was doing (or not doing), he looked me in the eyes and said, "When was the last time you scheduled some fun for yourself? And I don't mean scheduling around your XH's schedule. I mean prioritizing yourself over everyone else." I told him that I couldn't remember. Instead of 3 Hail Mary's and 3 Our Father's, my pastor told me that my penance was to hire a babysitter and go out with my girlfriends and have a damn good time. When I looked at him with a WTF expression, he said, "In order to be a balanced person who can do the job you're doing, you have to not only show yourself that you know how to take care of yourself, but you teach others that you're important too."

I've never forgotten that, Maybell. I can't be a martyr and expect balance and fulfillment. Besides, you and I didn't sign up for martyrdom. All we want is some breathing room.

BTW, since abandoning my menu due to lack of time was my strong suit, I developed an extreme fondness for my crock pot. I have a couple super cookbooks devoted to the crock, and my BIL and I share recipes all the time. I have a timer for the nights where we get home later so things don't dry out. It's a lifesaver! If the recipe requires chopping anything, I do it the night before... when D22 was home, we'd use that time to do it together and catch up. Even when we weren't talking much. Right now, I use the crock pretty much every Sunday so that I can have the day off from cooking, and we have leftovers for Monday night. It's a winner!

And good for you for listening to your D13's stories. I can't stress enough how it might be a lifeline later in her teen years to know that you listen. My D22 is now going through something that has her questioning everything in her life, including her BF of 3 1/2 years. It's super hard to watch someone you love be so unhappy. But my job is to coach her as she figures it out. I wound up recommending a book on fear by Susan Jeffers, and she got started reading it yesterday. Anyway, it didn't get to this without a whole lot of stuff in between.

I have an air freshener in my car that has long lost the freshening capabilities. It's an owl with a saying that I love: Love the life you live. It's kind of a constant reminder to live in the moment.

Good luck and hugs to you!

Betsey