Even if you couldnt sleep, why were you sitting vigil at the kitchen table? Just lay in bed reading or playing games on your phone.
I was laying in my bed, reading. She came into our bedroom and started talking to me (but again, about nothing special). I was A-OK for her to just go into the guest room and not say a word to me.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
Don't miss my post from yesterday above. I'm still on restriction here so occasionally my posts take a long time to get approved.
I don't like speculation. It's like going into a battle guessing what your opponent is doing. Plus, often speculation allows the imagination to wild and free and fill in knowledge gaps with all sorts of stuff that didn't happen. Your anger last night is a good example. You presume her dinner or whatever out with some unknown guy was bad. It probably was but who knows. While I agree it's unhealthy to snoop and monitor your spouse 24/7, I also think knowing what you are up against is important. If she's having another affair, you need to know that and last night would have been a good opportunity for ONE NIGHT ONLY to have planted a recording device. The argument against snooping given by Ms. Weiner-Davis in The Divorce Remedy is "since you can't approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping" I would argue doesn't fully apply here because this wouldn't be voyeuristic all consuming 24/7 snooping and you are already hurting and mad WONDERING who this new guy is and what they are doing. Snooping for basic information like confirming an affair isn't what Ms. Wiener-Davis is/was writing about. An knowing versus speculating is important because If it's an another affair - the recommended battle plan would be completely different that if it's just some male friend she's whining to about her life and who might even be encouraging her to reconcile.
My GUESS is this guy is probably connected with OM somehow and either she or OM arranged from them to communicate through this 3rd party. I doubt OM came into town because she would have been far more secretive about the meet up and she would have spent the night out with him. So this guy just arranged a phone call or skpe or whatever using his electronic devices that OM's wife wouldn't suspect.
One way to tell is her mood. IF she had contact, she'd have a weight lifted off her shoulders and be generally in a better mood. If the conversation went well (from her point of view wanting the affair to continue) she'd come home anxious to get the ball rolling on separation/divorce. If the conversation didn't got great and they just said their goodbyes and checked in with each other, she'd still be happier because she had contact but I'd expect her vigor to pursue the divorce/separation might relax a bit since getting OM back by doing so isn't in the cards and she'll be back in withdrawal shortly.
Pay attention for alternative means of contact. If she's back in an affair, you'll know the signs of secretive behavior (like phone guarding and consumed with her laptop). But she might have a secret affair phone hidden elsewhere. OM has to hide things from his wife too.
OR it's just some other other man. Plenty of wayward wives, once they take the leap, find other distractions online in the form of flirting and risky behavior with other guys. They FEEL they've found the fountain of youth and become goddesses which can result in them courting other opportunities and escapades. She FEELS free to pursue whatever she wants so from her standpoint, she's doing nothing wrong.
Even if that's the case, USUALLY these replacement OM's are a horrible replacement for the "soulmate OM" and they end up disappointed by these guys. Woman love one man at once and it's tough to MAKE that feeling transfer from OM back to their husband/family, let alone some strange man. In that case, she'd come home mad because YOU ruined her ONE SHOT at happiness with the ONE and ONLY MAN in the world she wanted to be with (the OM) and even though she tried to like this guy it's not happening with him either and now she just wants to be done with all men. ("if I can't have OM, then I won't be with any man"). Give her time and space. It's a roller coaster and she's near the bottom right now. If you do anything help distract her without drawing attention to yourself "trying" to do anything at all.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
GB, no, I don't think he's connected to OM. I saw a message early on after she BD, and there was a message from "Doug and Caroline" where he said he was going to be in town for work, and would she be interested in meeting up? She replied, "I don't know my schedule, but maybe we can meet with <GirlFriend1> and <<GirlfFriend2>".
I then saw a message to another GF, where she said, "Doug asked about meeting in October" and her friends said, "Oh, a little dinner and drinks would be OK" and my W replied, "Nope, he's Married."
Which is funny as sh*t since she had just screwed some married dude. My guess is, she said that cause she was infatuated with OM1, but now that OM1 is gone, she decided to go out with this Doug fella (who I believe she also met on that same vacation, but all the girls met him and his friends, not just my W and him alone).
Anyway, that's the sitch now, we'll see if she carries on an EA with this guy now, I'm just like whatever. I really want to get out there and find some girl; I know, you guys say don't do that, but, man, I want to.
But, I'm going to continue to detach best I can, thanks for the words.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
I'm with darkness....(sounds weird saying that) lol
Why go get a girl? So it's not cool for her to but you are going to? I get the feeling...i haven't even been hugged in 6 months, kissed or "anything" else since March. And even then it was once all year. Once!
What makes my sitch even more "funny" is that W says I'm a sex addict and that's one of her issues with me...:but I've done it once all year (and that was with her) /!: she's out almost daily with OM. Hmmmm
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Hell I mean, I don't really plan on getting with another girl, that was more anger and I wanted to get back at her. however, is there not some merit in the thought, if WW thought I might be talking to another girl, she'd see I'm not a rug to walk on, and maybe there's a chance she'll really lose me? if sandi's psyh stuff is right, that could be an after effect.
anyway, I say that because W has access to the phone bill (always has) and she must have seen all the messages I had sent to my buddy, because she asked my buddy's wife if his number was xxx-xxx-xxxx so she's checking who I'm chatting with.
I did go out, was going to meet with my buddy, but he bailed, so I watched some baseball and chatted with strangers for a bit then headed home.
I don't really feel like talking to the W right now either, so I'm gonna keep a low profile, and let her do any initiating.
j20a, I hate to hear about ur sitch, that [censored] breaks my heart, I hope it gets resolved in the best possible way.
thanks all.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
is there not some merit in the thought, if WW thought I might be talking to another girl, she'd see I'm not a rug to walk on, and maybe there's a chance she'll really lose me? if sandi's psyh stuff is right, that could be an after effect.
I suppose in theory, it could. Or she could instead file for divorce that day as you would be playing right into that role of being "the bad guy".
The point is that you shouldnt be basing your actions exclusively on how you think she might react, right now. If you arent ready to be dating (and I cant imagine that you are), then why would you do it?
man, I miss my wife. this [censored]. I mean, I'm doing good ok, and I'll get by, but, I really just miss my wife.
I know, I should detach, and outwardly I am, and I know inwardly I should too, but it's hard.
nothing has really happened lately. I'm going to happy hour with a friend tonight after work, should be fun. Friday night W is going out with friends, and I'm worried she looking to hook up, but I don't ask where she's going or what she's doing.
I'm going to college football game Saturday, but not sure what I'm doing good that evening. well see.
anyway, just wanted to vent and journal. detaching is hard
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
Hell I mean, I don't really plan on getting with another girl, that was more anger and I wanted to get back at her. however, is there not some merit in the thought, if WW thought I might be talking to another girl, she'd see I'm not a rug to walk on, and maybe there's a chance she'll really lose me? if sandi's psyh stuff is right, that could be an after effect.
anyway, I say that because W has access to the phone bill (always has) and she must have seen all the messages I had sent to my buddy, because she asked my buddy's wife if his number was xxx-xxx-xxxx so she's checking who I'm chatting with.
I did go out, was going to meet with my buddy, but he bailed, so I watched some baseball and chatted with strangers for a bit then headed home.
I don't really feel like talking to the W right now either, so I'm gonna keep a low profile, and let her do any initiating.
j20a, I hate to hear about ur sitch, that [censored] breaks my heart, I hope it gets resolved in the best possible way.
thanks all.
Thx bud. In time we will all be better.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
