It's such a double-edged sword, isn't it? On the one hand I wish there was nobody else on the planet going through what I'm going through. On the other hand, I am SO relieved to have found you all. I think it's really helped me to post here rather than taking stuff out on H.
After another he-doesn't-get-it conversation with H before bedtime, I laid awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night last night and, in my groggy state, it was almost like I could FEEL myself trying to put my heart back in the ED box and part of me was saying "no, no, he'll change this time, he'll read the book, really he will" and the other part was saying "lock that heart back up and throw away the key, stay in this marriage for the kids and forget about having any passion". It was at that point I really, truly felt I was going insane. I came *this* close to waking up H and begging him to help me because I thought I was going to lose it.
Then, of course, I played "the conversation" over in my head again. What he would ask, what I would say, his response about me being obsessed with sex, him falling back asleep, me feeling even more crazy than if I'd just not woken him up, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah, my HD life and welcome to it.
If only our LD spouses knew of the hours we've spent in bed while they're asleep, wishing they would somehow magically wake up and want to ML to us right then and there. I think the worst part of the whole HD experience is the wishing and hoping.
DBR told me yesterday I needed to do a 180, but I couldn't last night.
- Heavyheart, who is feeling hopelessly in love with her husband, but hopeless about their marriage
