Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

No real contact with S for most of the day. She sent me a few emails, largely about the kids stuff. She also sent me an email about her University course she wants to start in February. Normally I would quickly reply to support her, but this time I left it and didn't send any emails to her today. It sounds very pathetic, but I felt quite empowered not to respond, but still slightly worried that it would upset her.

She had a Uni information night and got back in at 7:30pm. I was out doing more pool stuff and when I came back in we didnt really talk. Our eldest, S17, finally got a job offer today (part time) and he said that mum had said she would phone the company to ask some more questions. I said to him, so she could hear, what does she want to do, do the job for you! She came out and we dicussed about the hours he might be able to do. I asked her why would you want to call them, and she said to find out about the hours, and then she quickly said anyway he is going to call now.

This is one thing we disagree on, at 17 my son should be doing all the chasing for work etc, whereas she still thinks I should be phoning for him etc. Hows he going to learn if he doesnt do it himself. So these will sound so petty, but these are very small areas of change I am making in terms of voicing my opinion and disagreeing with her view.

She went to settle down to watch TV and I stayed out of the room for a while. When I did go in, I went to get my toothbrush etc to sleep in home theatre again. She spoke first and asked who made the fruit smoothy. As I was leaving the room, I got weak and asked her about her Uni stuff, i.e the email she sent earlier. It was a quick conversation and I left, I didn't ask how her Uni meeting went this evening.

Im probably going to get flamed here, but is not asking about her day part of detachment. Like am I doing the right thing in showing less interest in what she is doing. I'm a long way from detaching fully, because even going into the MBR, is my temperature checking, as much as I would like to deny it.

I have been reading alot of threads this evening, and many do mirror alot of my own experiences. I biggest regret is not looking further into these forums when I first came across them, which was 5 months ago. I read a few items and then moved onto some other website book.

Well I am here now and should get the DR book pretty soon. I honestly feel that this is the best thing I can do at the moment, my lack of being a man and fear of her hurting me has been holding me back for so long.