This isn't going to be as detailed as it should be because I am on my lunch break but I need to get this out there before I contact WS when I shouldn't.
I have been married 20+ years. In the last couple of years, I have had a few Ddays(all the same OW). 4 months ago, we started with a really good MC and I thought we were finally on the right track. Two weeks ago, I found out that the OW was still in the picture and I kicked him out. He has, apparently, ended it with her but I have no way to be sure. She has been angry and spiteful.
I want to try and work things out with WS provided he start going to IC(I already do) and continues going to MC. We have gone to MC twice in the last two weeks and go again on Thursday but he is now saying that our marriage was terrible and that he is looking at the big picture and not just his affair.
I'm normally the begging, pleading type so I have tried really hard the last couple of days not to contact him and I have been successful. He is extremely conflict avoidant though so I don't know if that is the right approach.
My questions:
Is not contacting him the right way to go? We do have kids but the oldest are no longer speaking with them and the youngest can text him herself. There is really no reason for us to be in contact.
If that is the right way to go, how do I handle MC this week? I am trying to detach but the whole point of MC is not to detach.
How do I respond to "I love you" or "I miss you" texts? I haven't had any in the last few days but earlier in the week I did. Of course, I acted like a needy idiot and scared him off.
How do you deal with the anger?
I desperately want to text him. I have terrible anxiety. PLEASE help me not to. I think I read every thread on the site this weekend. I keep reading Sandi's Rules over and over again and it helps but I miss him.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry you're here, but from what I've read of your situation, you've done a really good job so far. I'm reluctant to offer advice or answer your questions because I'm not good at divorce busting. But, you'll get a lot of good input on this forum.
Thanks so much for the links and the welcome from both of you. I'll go back through the links and make sure I didn't miss anything.
I've recommitted to attending a support group I had previously attended starting tomorrow so hopefully, that will help. I have zero family or friends to lean on so I am finding it difficult to cope. I did, however, call and arrange for an appt with my IC.
I have terrible anxiety. PLEASE help me not to. HELP
Just remember, you're a strong woman and you're going to make it through this regardless of the outcome and you'll be a better person no matter what. You've made it this far in life, so you're not going to suddenly fall apart; you can be confident in your abilities to do what needs to be done. Once you realise that everything will be fine regardless of the direction life takes, then you can let go of the fear.
I feel unloveable. Like there is something horrible about me that caused my WS to cheat. Rationally, I know it's all about him but in my heart, well, that's another thing entirely. I don't feel like things are going to be better. I feel like he has bailed on our family. Hurts a lot.
Ugh. I am not doing well. Not even 48 hours and I broke NC. He posted something on FB about how happy he is and my daughter saw and she was angry. He hasn't contacted the two oldest in weeks. He's conflict avoiding because he doesn't want to face them. My oldest DD is so hurt by it so I texted him which was stupid because it made zero difference.
I start back to my separation and divorce group tonight. I have tremendous anxiety about going but I need to so I will. WS will be in the house with the youngest tonight and I honestly think I don't want to have him in my space right now. Looking through my things. Last weekend, he did my laundry. It's weird.
We all make mistakes when divorce busting; there's no need to fret, just keep going. Right now, I know it feels like you may have screwed everything up permanently, but that's rarely the case. Be easy on yourself.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
