Waywards do come back. First step: LET GO

[SH_]

That was a nice bit on forgiveness. Thank you.

Admittedly, I struggle with forgiveness. It has been some time now that H has been back (1.5 years) and I have not fully forgiven him yet. Some days I don't even want to. I agree with the quote that it happens in steps. It is not simply a switch that is turned on or off. My process has been rather slow--3 steps forward and 2 steps back.

I don't know what I am so afraid of. I can understand why the sequence of events happened in the deterioration of our M and I can see my part as well. Where I get stuck is simply the betrayal. To be honest, I may come to a point where I move away from this M. That is what my instincts tell me. Not anytime soon, not in the next several years, but some day. I want to know that I stuck it out and tried my best. H is a changed man--a good man, H, and father--but I continue to long for the way I used to feel about him. My heart is forever damaged. How do you forgive someone fully for that?

Sometimes I think coming here and reading/posting prevents me from moving forward and finding more forgiveness. When I read the posters' struggles, pain, and desperation I can't help but want to protect them. I don't feel an emotional trigger, but more a reminder of what I went though and that I allowed this man to destroy me. It took me far too long to let go of him. and pick myself up. It's is taking many of you too long as well!

I wish more posters would stop pining for the person who is hurting them and let go. LET GO. It's your only hope for healing and their only hope for finding themselves and possibly a way back to the M. I feel that so many here are trying to be a lighthouse, a friend, and just waiting, when really they are a door mat with a lost soul.

Maybe I need to go on a DB diet. Maybe that is why folks in piecing go dark from this site. I can see so clearly where folks are going wrong but I feel so powerless. I really admire all of you that keep coming back and helping others for all these years.

Everyone deserves respect, love, and you are ALL valuable. But you cannot look to your M to find yourself or your happiness in life. It comes from within. Even if and when they do come back it will never, ever be the same. The M is dead. The innocence is gone. Only if you both have let go, grieved the end, and learned to love yourself, and only then, can you build something stronger together. I may or may not reach that point, but I am a work in progress.

Blu

Blu, you might find benefit in my follow up post...there is more to he forgiveness thoughts that I have found and reposted...

I sense that you are very hard on yourself...you judge yourself more harshly than you judge your H as I perceive in your story.
Is it possible you have looked within for for happiness, respect and love, but missed the process to forgive yourself and rebuild your own self trust.
Is it possible that you want to protect those posters here in the community because you see yourself and wish that you could have rescued yourself in those days that you shared you could not get out of your own way?

Your WH did the unthinkable...there is no doubt in that...and I can't pretend to imagine what you went through...but I do not believe that he destroyed you, as you are here today stronger...battle scarred yes, but you are stronger and wiser for the hell you went through...I do beg of you to not give in just yet as you have come so far.
But I might challenge you here to take your focus from the thoughts that you are not feeling that "love" that you say you would want to feel for your H in order to save the M, and turn the focus to forgiving yourself.
Forgive yourself for getting stuck early on. For not DBing well enough as you share. For putting up with WH and kicking and screaming and...and all the other things that you have not forgiven yourself for.
Then get to building up the trust in yourself to do that which you know is right, be strong, and any other things that you may have lost self trust in.

No heart can permanently be damaged...God forbid that be possible...I believe that we choose to keep the wall up around an injured heart, but permanently damaged? I choose not to believe this possible, or forgiveness is not a real thing.

Blu, you are learning and growing and progressing. You are still with your H and family. This counts for something.
No matter what the future brings whether it is with your H or not, please promise me...please accept this challenge...turn your focus to you and forgiveness of yourself...then look back and things may or may not look differently...I believe that is why MWD shares that there are marriages that are stronger than ever after an affair...she does not say that all survive it, but those stronger than ever leads me to believe that self forgiveness happened first, because only that true forgiveness and rebuilding of trust could possibly lead to the forgiveness of the WS...IMHO.
Just my 2c

Also a couple of quotes that have me to ponder...and maybe ca for you as well.

“I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.”

I may have to figure this one out...I do not believe that I will get an apology...I pray that I am wrong, but regardless forgiveness of her has been a goal of mine from the start.
Your H has sought out forgiveness and if I recall there has been an apology and action?

“I have learned, that the person I have to ask for forgiveness from the most is: myself. You must love yourself. You have to forgive yourself, everyday, whenever you remember a shortcoming, a flaw, you have to tell yourself "That's just fine". You have to forgive yourself so much, until you don't even see those things anymore. Because that's what love is like.” C. Joybell C.
Maybe we don't know what that love is supposed to feel like for another...if we have not showed it to ourself.

Blu, you are a wonderful person. I draw much encouragement and strength from your presence here.
You are in my prayers and heart.