Regarding my contribution- Since we've been working on the R, I've been completely "engaged" in the R and family. W says that I'm being a superstar H these days and absolutely loves her "new husband".
Regarding how I contributed to the demise - It's irrelevant and off limits to conversations that my W and I have. We have both claimed responsibility and agree that we both engaged in behaviors that polarized us.
The C session was scheduled before the big kama sutra surprise on a day I was feeling crappy. I told my W yesterday (before the session), that it was all about me working through some things I've wanted to change in my behavior for years, regain my motivation in certain areas and to cope with my dying dad. When I got back, I was noticeably "jiggety" again but I was able to (truthfully) blow it off due to a headache and the fact that I wasn't certain if I thought I liked this C.
Now, regarding Sunday night. I really wanted to avoid being negative and sharing what really happened but my W did some things that made our "alone time" barely tolerable. When she bought the gift last week, she committed to playing with it Sun night. We watched the Sopranos which we always do and at 10 (thanks to spring forward she wasn't tired), I said alright, "let's go up". She said, "do you think we can watch some of this new show Deadwood? I hear it's good". WTF?!!! This was so wrong on so many levels.... 1. She was essentially saying that she didn't care about "our time". 2. The one time a year when she would have any energy after 10pm, she wants to waste it on a show. 3. She was auditioning another series when we should be trying to find some quiet time together.
Listen, I've let go of my "polarizing" behaviors...she hasn't tried to change a single one of hers. The TV thing is a BIG one. Sure, she's making *some* efforts but I keep seeing a strong resistance to the idea of being closer to me. Read on.
So, when I got to the bedroom and was able to use the bathroom (she locks the door...even just to brush her teeth), I brushed mine and cleaned up a little bit. She was under the covers with her "frumpy" nightgown on, light off, head on the pillow and in "sleep" mode (if that makes sense). I asked "I thought we were going to have time together". Her response..."oh yah...get the stuff out and I'll give you a back rub". I'm not kidding about this. That's how the session started. I "heated" the session up and got it to become sexual but there was absolutely 0 enthusiasm from my W. Actually, there was "avoidance" and a hope that I would "forget". She's just acting really weird these days...she saying one thing but acting the oposite way. She says I'm a super-hubby now, she commits to "times", but then freaks right when we get together.
Honey, this is not an isolated incident. She did something almost identical to this a couple weeks ago where she looked at the clock, pulled back the covers, pushed me down on the bed and started to try to "service me". She played it off as a role play of "being aggressive". She doesn't understand that my desire would be for her to "aggressively want me to ML to her"...not aggressively "service me". Big difference between the 2.
I want to confront her about this "bedroom" behavior. I also want to bring up the whole TV thing. I'm always too scared to rock the boat because I love having a peaceful house (alarm, alarm...stinkin' thinkin' alert). Assertiveness is a skill that the C can help me with. Who knows.
She's simply not being honest with me about *something*...it's obvious. And this makes me think that the issue is much deeper than it appears.
Anyway, i think the best thing I can do is to get myself back into a semi-emotionally-divorced state of mind but continue the good behaviors. This will allow me to wait for her to change some things without me getting these "jiggety" feelings. Don't take this idea as "harsh", it's not. It's just that my current vigilance is excessive and I need to temper it so I'm not going nuts over all these little things. That might actually solve alot of this. I just wish she would tell me.
"Suspension of Disbelief"...that's going to be the title of my next journal here because that's both of our biggest problem. We both sweep the R flaws under the rug and have been able to pretend that the house is clean.
I've got to stop. This is making me depressed.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
