well... saw W at D's soccer game. D was awesome. D got to be the goalie for the second part. W received a call from ow...they talked about how ow just woke up, it was around noon. Weird cus W is an early riser like myself. W asked how ow was. they talked about OUR home. how the handyman came by and he fixed this or that...that was not fun to listen to. not just that but W was all sweet on the phone. I wanted to throw up. W did have a chair for me. that was nice. W and I didn't talk much though W told me how D was being a brat that morning and wouldn't talk to W. D didn't want to do her chores. Was talking back this and that. I didn't validate, I just asked questions. I'm not sure why W told me this. Seems like D is a brat to W more often. I know It's because I'm not there, I don't put up with D's crap. I'm more strict. D is never like that with me. Or around me. Kind of got the vibe W wanted me to talk to D but I'm not a mind reader. So I didnt say anything. Besides W and D left right away, they were in a hurry. W told me to have a good day. That hasn't happened in a while either. Bummed I didn't get to spend any time with D but not much I can do there. W texted me on Sunday that my sister stopped replying to her texts W asked me to reach out on her behalf for some bill thing. I did. That was that. Staying Dim. Not much happening. Not sure how being dim / dark will help my W come around but at this point it's all I got that makes me feel semi-normal.
Had some great gal. Went out with some friends on Saturday. There was a zombie crawl downtown. I had a good time with the exception of I hadn't seen a couple of them in a while and as soon as they saw me they asked where W was. My friends all have a significant other, I was the odd number out of course. First time in a long time. That was like a knife to the heart. It's been 6 months and some people still don't know. I did get a few compliments that I'm looking good. That was nice to hear. We had a good time. Have gal tonight, a friend texted me to come over and just catch up. It should be fun. I need to go get a blanket for my couch. It gets cold in my room. Though I have mine from before W, It not only is my W's favorite, but I fear it'll just remind me of her every time I use it. So I opted to purchase a new one. Also need a headlamp for my runs. It's too dark by the time we go running with my running group.
I don't get many replies here. Which is fine, If I wasn't typing here I'd be writing this in my journal. But It would be nice to get some input...the only bothersome thing about being dim / dark is not that I worry what W is doing it's more of...how in the heck would or why would she come back? W is playing house with OW? I do enjoy not talking to W or seeing her... but it's weird. Still trying to wrap my head around Why If I feel good without her why do I want her back? How am I the lighthouse? How do I become the lighthouse? How is this helping me any? I don't see it. I know the ultimate goal is for cheesyt to be content / happy living MY life without W. I feel pretty close, obviously I have bad days when I miss the W I had. I do miss her. I don't need her. I do want her. A friend asked when I will start dating. I mean, I don't even want to. That seems so dreadful. Not ready for sure.
Hey Cheesey. I know what you mean about going dark. Nearly six weeks here and not a peep from H! It's actually benefiting me as I don't feel do anxious when I dont hear from him.
I think the way you are feeling is probably you detaching and that's good. I know you can't go completely dark because of D but your interactions with W when you do see her are pretty good. You might not realise but you are the lighthouse when you do this.
I think the question you need to ask yourself is what does letting go/moving forward look like to you? It might actually be no different to what you are doing now especially if you are not ready to date.
By the way I would be so annoyed if my H was still in bed till midday!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hang in there Cheesey....glad you got to see your D play soccer...sounds like you are doing a little better....who sleeps until noon anymore..hahaha...I have good days and bad days as well so you are not alone!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Cheesy, I like what Coly23 said about how you are the lighthouse when you see W and it's a good interaction. We can also be the lighthouse when they think of us and we look like that shining beacon, tall and proud, lighting the path home. So it can be a memory or a thought, too.
Maybe ow works a night shift and that's why she wakes up late? Whatever, who cares, right?
Keep GALing. You're getting there - to happiness.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Coly - isn't it funny how anxiety comes from the W/H? Somedays I feel as though I am in fact detaching, others not so much.
Hawker - I'm doing a little better yes. This is one heck of a rollercoaster eh?!
Nygal - I read on a different thread that us newbs are concerned about being the lighthouse. When we should be concerned about us or something. OW has no job. OW was in nursing school with W. They're both preparing for their boards.
what does letting go look like to me? Letting go looks like I can have positive or neutral interactions with W. Validate, not argue or fight, be kind. Not be concerned with what time OW wakes up, or feel weird when OW and W are on the phone in my presence. Not being concerned with what will make W mad. Certainly not letting her mood or emotions affect my well being or emotions. Being content / happy with this separation.
what does moving forward look like to you? Moving forward looks like living life the CheesyT way. Doing and taking care of ME. Only ME. working on my friendships, relationship with family. Learning and practicing patience. Learning which battles are wise to fight, and learning which ones to walk away from. Being strong and confident in the path I am taking. Getting a handle on my anger, letting it roll off my back. Making mistakes but learning a lesson from them, so I can stop repeating the same mistakes. Not settling for less than what I deserve. Focus on what I have, instead of what I lost.
thank you for the questions Coly. Really great food for thought.
On a lighter note, I got an updated map of some work regions from a coworker. I was extremely excited he thought of me and made me a copy to "score points with the finance team". Also, because I love color coding things I ordered a set of 10 highlighters and they finally arrived. I was extremely overjoyed by these two things. It's interesting how a sheet of paper and some highlighters really made me smile / happy. -that's just an example of things that really make cheesyt excited. It doesn't happen too often now but when it does I'm reminded what a simple gal I can be. sometimes
Cheesyt...yes the rollercoaster continues but we can get off...I really like your ideas on moving forward, sounds like you made yourself some good goals!! I also have been trying to focus more on what I have, I have a great job, my own house, 3 dogs, great friends and family!!! God has really blessed me and I need to focus on that!!
Hahah I like your excitement about the color coding!!! Have fun Cheesy!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Don't leave us Cheesyt -- keep us up to date so we can support you!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
well....haven't seen the W. or D. Couldn't feel better. I've been having an amazing couple of weeks. So busy! Not just that but since we hardly communicate there’s not much to report.
W has texted me today asking about some login info only I had for our D. And the other day about some bill. Responded and that’s it.
Also got an email from a joint account we had (only W used it for the person we used to rent a room out to) she closed that account. Didn’t tell me of course. -not that I ever used it. Or had money in it.
The other day a friend AL texted that she saw W’s SOW on snapchat (W deleted me a few months ago) And that SOW and W were laying on the couch. D across the way in a chair. Kind of rubbed me the wrong way. According to W I was the one that wouldn’t let D sit with us on the couch…and yet, D was not near them. Also that SOW was fat and ugly. Not that there’s anything wrong with overweight. W though had recently been all into working out and losing weight, also encouraged me to loose the few extra lbs I had and such. So its weird she reverted.
Sister also texted me a few days ago about W’s Facebook post. W apparently complained about not having cable. (we are still Fbook friends but I don’t follow her nor do I look. I know it takes A LOT but I’m good at it now)
Friend KG just texted me. I met Friend KG from W’s nursing school. W hated her, wouldn’t like me hanging out with KG even though W introduced us. (W was jealous) at any rate, KG passed her exam to get her RN Licence. Which got my mind going…of course. Once it starts it’s so hard to stop it. Well I got to thinking, W and SOW should be taking their tests here soon (I don’t know when and neither does KG cus like I said W doesn’t like her and they are not friends) I hope they fail. At least once… augh then I feel bad for feeling that way. Also, I did the math and W will be making good money so will SOW (time to pay all the CC debt W racked up) and from the looks of it, life never got hard for W. she was greedy, mean, rude, condescending, shady AF, and completely moved on. -and some days I feel stuck.
Can’t help but to think of how I was supposed to celebrate W passing this test. This is the beginning of W’s career. One she worked so hard for. This is the start of something amazing for W and I don’t get to be a part of it. It hurts. Not as bad as before, but it sure hurts.
I feel better when we don’t talk. When W is completely out of my life. I’m happy without her. But there’s always someone or something that reminds me of her. I was sitting on my bed the other day and I thought about how happy and in love Roommate is now. How one day That WILL be me. So I thought about the in love part, I’m not in love with my wife. I love her. I don’t know that I love her as much as before. I’ll always love her nonetheless. But It’s hard to explain just how I feel. Also to differentiate between the hurt, pain, and the remnant love I have.
Two highlights of my week. Two different friends texted me that they wanted or needed to talk / a friend. I’m not going to lie, that feels good. I had plans on halloween night but my friend B (divorced older guy) had a rough one with his adult daughters so he needed to talk. I was bummed to change my plans with Roommate but happy he thought of me and was able to meet up with him and talk. Same with another friend on Friday. The timing just happened between my plans with Roommate and meeting my friend. I Got to catch up with roommate this morning told her about these two encounters because I ran out the door both times and didn’t explain much. But as I was leaving for work today roommate said “you’re a good friend Cheesyt” and I thought…yeah I’m not that bad!
Well I had a bit so nice conversation with W. W ignored my request to come pick up cable boxes yesterday so I texted her today asking her to let me know asap. We ended up texting back and forth. W first said if she had time she'd bring them to Ds soccer game. I told her no because there were some things I wanted to get. W told me she hasn't made a plan and can't commit to when I came come over. I asked when she would know, w continued with idk. I told her I'd circle back with her to figure out if she'd figured it out yet. I don't think W was happy with me. She told me I could come tonight and to let her know what other stuff I wanted so she could have it ready because she wanted all my stuff out of the house. I told W I couldn't make it today and that I did not want her to pack the stuff up because we together have to go through things, like books, movies and other joint stuff we bought thatbi guess we now have to split up. W told me to let her know what day and again mentioned she wanted everything Of mine gone. Idk why but this hurts. First she ignores me then she switches to wanting all my stuff gone. Still feels as though she's trying to erase me.
Why is my W so angry with me? I can tell by the tone in her texts. Such anger and idk why, idk how she could ever be un mad...and possibly talk to me like a normal human. Why did she go from wanting to be friends to pretty much hating me or what it feels like hating me.
Also wondering if W can feel when I'm missing her. Or when I'm falling apart in her absence....we used to be so connected which is why I wonder this. I used to think of her and then I'd get a text or a call but now...silence.
The pick up date is nov 12. We will go through everything in the house. And it's going to be hard. After that I will go dark. Not that it will be any different. All accounts and joint bills will be separated. Need to take myself off car insurance, final joint act where my check goes and finally the cell phone. After that I'll be waiting around to get served with D papers.
Also wondering, is me feeling better without her a way of me coping? Like am I sort of putting it off? Brushing my hurt under the rug? Living as though she's not there for my sake? Pretending? Cus as soon as I hear or think of her I'm a mess. So am I really ok without her or am I just acting as if?
