You can have hope and yet let go. DB is not only to help save the marriage, but it's to help you as well. You can use the DB techniques IRL. They help you w/communication and how you react to what is being said and the behavior. Letting go mean to leave him alone and allow him the time and space to work on himself. Letting go is taking your focus off of him and what he's doing and living your life. Letting go is not reacting to anything he says or does. Letting go is to help you continue moving forward. You will let him go and/or drop the rope when you are ready and yes, it takes time to do so. It won't happen overnight.
Grieving for your old marriage is not about giving up hope. Giving up hope is when you finally walk away, file for divorce and actually move on completely and don't look back. There is always hope when someone is in crisis. You don't know what he's thinking or doing right now and you are so very new to the situation.
As you grieve, think of all of the happy and wonderful times you spent together. As for what he tells you about your marriage and the past...it's rubbish. He's seeing the world through dark and dusty glasses. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid he serves up. You were together for quite some time, so you should know whether or not your marriage was a good one. Hold tight to those good memories and pull them out of your memory bank whenever you feel down.
I wouldn't suggest that you contact your h and have him pick up his stuff. If his stuff is bothering you, pack it up and store it in the garage, closet or basement. I would leave it right there because it could be his link to coming by to see what you are up to or if someone else is living there w/you for the time being. Now is a good time to think about redecorating and/or moving furniture around. Make your home your place now. You may be surprised just how much better you will feel by doing this.
You are a fixer and you want to fix him and the situation. You can't because you didn't break him. If he wants a divorce, then he should be the one to file. Don't make any decisions for him. He's a big boy and can make decisions for himself. The only people you need to make decisions for are yourself and your daughter.
Dig deeper for patience, continue to move forward and keep the focus on you and your daughter.
BTW, please start a new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
