Taking the first step...

[Coly23]

Thanks Blu. I thought I had been grieving over the last few months but I always held on to some hope because I thought that DBng was to never give up hope. Will the grieving eventually help me to give up hope and let go or do I need to let go and give up hope first in order to start grieving the death of my M properly? It feels a little like chicken and egg, maybe that's why I'm in such turmoil.

Losing someone through death for me is in some ways a loss that is easier to bear. You most likely haven't been rejected by that person and you know, hopefully, that they have gone with love still in their hearts. Also your memories of them are full of fondness rather than the awful memories that your WS has convinced you of. I know it sounds terrible but sometimes I wish H had just died.

I completely see from your sitch that in hindsight letting go was the right thing to do because as soon so you did your H came back and you realised that he would have come back quicker had you let go sooner. I know at that point you didn't know this would happen and this wasn't the reason why you let go. I realise I need to get to that stage but I'm struggling to let go of the hope.

For you was it also a physical letting go as in moving all his belongings out or had he already done that? Do I contact H and tell him to come and get all his stuff? I'm afraid to do this as it seems I have done all the dirty work so far so it always looks like this is my decision.

I am so tired Blu of not knowing what is going on. Why can't he just put me out of my misery and move out completely? But it's like he's waiting for me to make the first move and make the decision for him but I don't want to. Isn't it enough that he has put me and my D through all of this without making me make all the decisions for him! IDK, maybe that's why I still have a little hope....