I really felt done for now with h and was fine with it (after a lot of dancing at home on Pink's Blow me one last kiss - BTW, Esame, if you read this, I thought about you when you said you could not go for the run. Dancing on this song, singing - or rather screaming -along, can be as good as a few kilometers run - you just need to put it on repeat :-)).
Do they feel this? When this happened 2 years ago (we lived together that time), just as I was ready to end things and was preparing to tell him, he came and said we should try to make it work.
This time it's different but he's starting to open up. And I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, I want to help him and given that no one knows him and his issues dating years back as I do, I think I am in a good position to help. But I'm not sure I should be doing it as very recently I was, according to him, the source of all those issues (even those from years before I met him...) and I am afraid that it's just too soon. I don't think he wants to come back, it's not about that, what I mean is that it's just too soon for the 2 of us to talk openly about his issues.
Another reason is that I can only help him if I'm honest and I'm not sure he's ready to hear and accept all I need to say in order to help him...
I could see this coming though. When I was sick and he was driving me around, every time I got in his car a song, I think it's called "Jubel", started. My h is very musical and uses music to express himself often. We used to leave in each other's cars songs to start when we start the engine. This song doesn't have many words but it repeats "save me". When it happened for the 3rd time, I started to think that it was not a coincidence but I let it be.
Then he started to do more stuff at home, to stay to talk to me etc. Yesterday, he did not come to see kids but he called me in the evening (which he never does). First he started with an attack telling me how unacceptable something I did was. I told him I'm not in a mood for such conversation and then he said that he just wanted to say he was sorry for what he did to me. That he's been trying to say that for some time now. That he now sees more than before what he was doing wrong in relation to me (even before his affairs) etc. He told me that it's not just 50% his (I said before that I was willing to accept my 50% for what went wrong in the marriage but will not accept to be blamed for his affairs and that it was his choice), that it was much higher percentage that he knows that. He said that he would like to talk at some point about what his expectations of the marriage were and why he then came to conclusion that it cannot work between us.
He also said he does not know how much of what he's doing he's doing because of his issues and what is real him. I can see he is confused and trying to figure himself out. He told me he was not ready to go and see anyone after the experience we had with the therapist. That it's really difficult for him. Said that he was reading what I gave him (a bit more than a year ago I sent him something on MLC and also recommended him to read a book called something like When good men behave badly, I think. I remember it was quite well written. When he read it for the first time, he told me that he understood why I wanted him to read it and that he wants to buy paperback and highlight stuff so he can go back to it. He never did. But maybe now rereading the electronic version.
I'm quite happy that he is reflecting on all this and started to realise that he needs to do something to help himself. But I'm not sure if I should be involved in it. I will definitely not start sending him things proactively. Will listen when he needs to talk about it. But I'm afraid to say something, even if directly asked, as I really think he's not ready...
