SBJ - personally, I think you should consider being in the room if your w goes to discuss d with your kids. I don't think you can trust that she is going to represent the situation the way you would want it represented for you. I think you want her to own this, but by being out of the room, you may inadvertently be giving her a hall pass.
Post BD when my h was spinning like mad, he told my s (then 9!) that divorce was "no big deal. You just get a piece of paper saying it's all over and it's that simple." He made it sound like it was harder to order a cheeseburger through a drive-thru window.
S was extremely upset. I told him my views on marriage/divorce and also told him to always remember his own commitments once he is a man. It is true, MLCers just want everyone to love their decisions because to them, nothing is more important than their personal happiness.
Crazy as she is, she IS entitled to her (currently crazy) opinion but that does not mean she should be the one narrating the whole story.
I know it's complicated as you are balancing her wants vs. your wants. I certainly am not saying you throw her under the bus because she has the right to make crazy decisions and yet, the truth is you two do differ on this issue. I don't think she should be able to say to the kids that you "both" have decided that this is best and then walk off feeling no culpability.
If you see an IC perhaps he/she can advise? Or maybe others with experience can best advise as it's a delicate balance...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
