Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

Nothing much too report today as we have both been at work all day and then I got home early to take S17 to Athletics training. So we didn't physically see each other until 7:30pm.

She came out of the MBR to give us food. She talked a little bit about the University induction day she is going to. I listened but didnt act too interested. I then went to do more work to the pool and when I got back in, she was in the TV room watching soccer with S12. I didnt bother going in to watch. Normally I always do, mainly to spend time with her. But I am trying to detach, in my small way...baby steps.

She went to bed, but did tag me on a facebook post about a halloween recipe she saw on a facebook page. We are hosting a Halloween party on Saturday..happy families!!

I slept in Home Theatre on mattress, as is normal for most weekdays, she was sick with hay feaver so I wanted to let her sleep. Its also better for me, if I need to stay up later, so I don't come in the room and wake her up. She has been a very light sleeper for the last 2 years or so, since her hysterectomy mainly. So I do tiptoe round the house and sleep separately especially if she has a very early start.

I spent alot of the day thinking about the marriage and whether I want to keep trying to have some sort of hope, or I should move to separation. I stated earlier in the thread that I would journal and work through the DR book first, as hard as the days are at the moment. (I am beginning to NEED some sort of closure in all of this). I say this, as its already been going on for a very long time, and deterioting rather than improving. Its at least 9 months of active changes for me, although adittedly not structured in the way I hope to follow in the DR book.

I went round the city today to get the DR Book, but was unsuccessful, have emailed my friend to order it online and have it delivered to his house.

I read in the success stories on the DB website, that one person had mentioned about the concept of "backlash", that you need to beware of it, as any time you have a good time with your spouse, the next day they may say "dont think I now love you or want to stay with you after last night". This is textbook what my S has said to me so many times. We go out and have a running race together and have a relaxing weekend cuddling in front of TV, or we go out dancing just the two of us and dance till 1am etc. But on all occasions if we talk about those events afterwards, she will say I still dont love you or I didn't have that good a time.

I hope that these backlash comments are confusion on her part. Because it is very hurtful when we have a great night out only to be told, I didn't enjoy it. Even though she made effort to dance with me, put her arms round me etc. Its so hard to understand how someone can be so seemingly enjoying your company, but then saying they dont want to be in the R anymore. Why does she keep coming back to only the negative view of I don't love you, when we could work on all the positive aspects of our R?