Interestingly, MWD's stance on physical affection is that it is a way for some spouses to truly feel bonded to and wanted by the significant other. To her, it's still a case of doing what works.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Wow, it's been a few days since I've checked up on people, but wow does he swing. You do a great job of adjusting but yet not getting up too much hope! I wish I could approach my wh for a hug- he would probably whack me away. Yet it's about a month since we ML. But it's always as passionate as ever. If I could get him that way it would invalidate the talaq he gave me!
Keep it up, I agree with grl- just do what works. You got this!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
My WW said me 'not being there' was the reason she was in touch with the OM. These kinds of statements are both history rewriting and gas lighting. It is guilt avoidance. There is always a little truth in them - they grab onto the weakest branches of the tree. However the tree has a massive trunk and that is the more honest part they don't want to highlight. What is that truth? They chose to take an action, again and they were repeatedly being unfaithful and choosing to do that knowing it was wrong. So okay, you might not have been swinging from the chandeliers every night but is that realistic to expect in a normal M? That is the other point, besides their 'choices' that caused this, there are 'unrealistic expectations'. And even if it is reasonable to expect more fun, why not talk explicitly about their needs and work on this together.
No. His actions and choices. Not yours. You did not take these actions accept no blame. Don't get into the debate just blank it. He will have to live with his choices and work on himself. He will need to forgive himself for what he did. Not hold a fake grudge which he projects on you as he is not honest enough to see his part in this.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Totally agree with surfer. Guilt and rewriting of history.
There may be the smallest bit of truth but and it's a big BUT. You didn't hold a gun to his gun and force him into an A.
Just a thought. Were you doing fun things when you weren't pregnant? I think your H may be complaining about the lack of couple time and not only when you were pregnant. This may be something you have to work on in the future.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Dory, That's why I have chose to give him physical affection in spite of some folks saying I am making it to easy on him, the term cake eating has been used. If he were still in the affair then it would an absolute no, STDs and hard boundaries being necessary. This appears to be working to reminding him what he could lose.
Cherry, With my WH I held back on physical affection when the A came to light. It took my almost a year to show him affection because his head was definitely out of the marriage and it would have resulted in driving him further away. But when the crack appeared in his resolve then I decided to take the leap.
ForGump, I've actually argued that point in the past. He said if I had an Affair during that time it would have been justifiable. It's easy to say that when you're the one who has such poor boundaries and has to answer for your horrible actions. For now I am going to decide how and when to approach this wayward thinking, if he truly thinks my in(actions) led him to cheat then I can't feel safe with him.
Surfer, Looking back I feel I could have been a better wife but I was by no means a bad wife. His problem is he has poor boundaries and has a smidgen of narcissistic personality, he feels entitled to do what feels good whether it's right or wrong. I think he is in serious need of IC but so far he is completely unwilling to go. At this point I wish we could at least have MC to indirectly get him IC.
So far we've had a few good days, last night he assembled a fire pit and DD5 and DS 3 roasted marshmallows for s'mores. I feel a little weird around him, like there is this wall between us. HE's polite and even kind but I feel...detached I guess. It's like when you lose a tooth and keep touching the hole with your tongue, continually feeling the emptiness where something once was. I am feeling very numb right now, I think because I am out of crises mode and wondering if we're piecing or...what?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Bless you. We can; and could, (all) always blame ourselves. But why? Are you terrible Yes/No? It's binary - the answer is No. you know that. Stop questioning this please. I could put my arms around you for just questioning you. Please don't.
You are fighting for him. To me you are perfect. Just because you are doing that. And keep doing it.
Just be kind. Not to him [per se]. To you.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
I think because I am out of crises mode and wondering if we're piecing or...what?
IDK TBH. Might be worth reading up a little on it. I think its easy to assume you are but even if you are. it doesn't change how you react. Just be kind and nice and create new happier memories. The Marshmellows one might be a little one. Take your time, there's no rush. Be kind to yourself.
Incidentally. Coly's started posting in MLC section. They guys in there are really to the point and seem to really understand things clinically. Given how they speak about MLC'ers it made me think of your H. Might be worth stopping over for a read. It just might be some fresh approaches that help.
Take care.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Thanks guys, just kind of drift mode. I've been a little numb mixed with moments of sadness. WH and I went to the mall today and things were okay but then suddenly he kind of checked out. His expression and body language was turned inward. I checked on him and he said he was distracted, this is code for "struggling right now." Honestly I've been a little blah today so I wasn't my best at "acting as if." I am not going to kick myself too much over this but rather just take it easy.
I think I am going to start IC for myself so I can have somewhere to process the affair without having to constantly check my own anger. I think part of the struggle I have is WH still doesn't show true remorse, I think he is filled with regret and guilt but remorse is too much for him. He may never have the strength and then I will know I have to move onto a future without him. For now I think we both need time and space (without living apart) to lick our proverbial wounds. I've lost so much weight that co-workers have noticed, my sleep is still hit or miss and I still have affair nightmares. Time for more self care and working on me.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
