Is it worth the effort to fix my sex starved marriage when I know that my wife will probably never really have desire for me, but has to "Fake" desire for me to make me happy. I now know why Dr. Laura has said many times on the radio to women, "NEVER tell your husband that you do not desire sex with him". My wife has said this many times, and I guess that the damage is done and probably can never be undone. Can I be happy EVER with this woman since I know that any solution to the problem requires her to "FAKE" desire for me. That's the way it is now, and I almost feel like a rapists at times. I don't wish to spend the rest of my life with her "Giving" me sex, I want her to agressively "Take/Want" sex from me.
CeMar, I think there is a VERY big difference between "Lack of desire" and "Lack of response". In your W's case, which is it, or both? I mean, when you DO ml, is she unable to be aroused? Or does it just mean you always have to initiate? If it's just the initiation thing, but she is open to LM fairly regularly, and then does get aroused once "festivities" commence, you MAY not have such a terribly big problem, other than your own attitude...
Both of us know there are problems in the marriage today. But her lack of desire goes way back to the first few years of marriage. You know, she pulled the old bait and switch. We had great sex for four years, then children come along and the libido went to nothing. The affection went the same way as the sex as well, so this is not just a sex problem, it is a sex AND affection problem, usually they go hand-in-hand. Right now I am still in the "Let's Build a Great Marriage phase". Sex is only a pices of this, but it is the piece that in the end will either make or break the "Great Marriage" for me.
Have you read the SSM book, CeMar? If so, go back and read it again (the part written for the HD spouse). I'm in the midst of reading it right now, so it's all very fresh in my head that the book responds to much of what you are saying here. I'm not saying the book holds all the answers, or that things WILL (or won't) get better in your M, but you might find some solace and/or some fresh approaches in it. Hope this helps. Also, since your W had desire early in marriage it's still got to be there somewhere, just hidden away probably. Who knows, maybe there is a medical reason. Another good book is "Rekindling Desire" by B & E McCarthy.
Arrousal is not the problem, once I get her motivated, she has little problem. Her "Desire" is the problem. It's kind of like being married to a corpse today. During the "GOOD" years of our relationship (the first 4 years) we made love everyday, we kissed lots everyday, we held hands, we flirted, SHE INITIATED SEX on occasion, and most importantly, she gave BJ's with earnest. Then children came and her libido went south and has continued to get worse. THe AFFECTION also died. So my issue is not just about sex, it is affection AND sex that died. I want them both back. The key here is that the affection and sex were great when she had DESIRE. She no longer has any desire for sex, she has told me many times that if she never had sex again, that would be ok with her. Obviously there are many physical as well as relational problems. I am working with her on the relational problems, but I really believe that even if they all get fixed, she still will not have "Desire". For a women without desire, it is VERY hard work for her to be affectionate and sensous. How many ND woman want to give BJ's, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT ASKING. My wife USED to be like that. To me, BJ's is the ULTIMATE act of affection. The key to being lovers is that both wish to pleasure the other. Can a woman want to pleasure her man without having desire? That seems to be almost an impossible task for a ND woman. At the age of 45, my desire for sex is higher then ever, yet my desire for my wife is declining, since I find it very hard to desire someone and NOT have that desire in return. All I want is for her to be the women she was, not the women she is. It just seems to be all about desire, and it's just not there.
There is a passage in the book where a guy raises this very issue. He now realizes that his wife does not desire sex with him, and even if the frequency could be brought up to his level of liking, he openly wonders if this is enough, since he KNOWS he is not desired! I am like many HD males, I see desire and love as the SAME THING. Could I love a women and not desire her sexually, NO! I read all these books and they tell me that if I meet all her needs, then she will "Desire" me, but it does nto seem to work that way. TO be honest about it, I want a woman that acts like the HD women on these boards. But I see no hope for a ND woman EVER getting even remotely close to acting like that. If being sensual requires work, there is no way the ND spouse can keep it up.
I agree with you there, CM. As an HD woman myself, I wonder if I could really live the rest of my marriage wondering if my H was having "obligatory" sex with me. Like you, I enjoy being desired and chased a little bit. I know it's a little more difficult for a man to fake desire, but I can still tell when he's really into it and when he's just doing it so I'll get off his back.
I guess what makes my situation different is that my H admits he is LD and says he doesn't want to be that way any more because he knows it is going to mean the end of our marriage. If your wife knew, point blank, that either she has to change (desire is a matter of choice in many ways, not just a physical reaction) or the marriage is over, would she do it? I'm not saying you should give her this ultimatum, but I'm just wondering if she really knows that (a) her lack of desire is having a devastatingly negative effect on the M and (b) there is help for women, like her, who feel a lack of desire.
If she knows these things, and is still choosing the "do nothing" route, then I would say the answer to your original question is no, there is really not much hope left for your M. And, if that's the case, I think it's an awfully selfish move on her part to not even want to TRY to make things better.
What tangible steps have you taken in the last 6 months to communicate with your wife about the state of your marriage. What have you specifically asked her to address with you, and in what manner?
