Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

Thanks Sandi for the comprehensive reply.

I may not be 100% sure on the DB detaching. I just feel that why does she still engage with me and treat me like a friend if she want to separate. I feel that since I am always available to her, when she wants to talk about work, or anything trivial, that to her there is no change, she gets the social release she wants, once in a while, but doesn't need to do anything towards trying to fix the R.

When I say she was abusing me, it was she was shouting at me and saying I don't pay attention etc. So abusing maybe too strong a word, but she was extremely angry, mainly because i challenged her behaviour on why she would be hitting S12 minutes after she asked me to talk to him. I don't think punishing and shouting at your kids, especially when they are over 12 is going to motivate them to do homework. Her heart is in the right place, in that she wants the best for them, so she gets frustrated when they are not doing their best, but her attitude comes across as out of control to the kids.

Sandhi, YES!! The lack of respect and attraction are defintely alot to do with my passivity over the years of the marriage. I have been a typical Mr. Nice Guy, thinking I was doing the right thing to keep her happy, but see that it has had the opposite effect. It is one of the reasons I highlighted the angry episode, as I have not done that in years and although she didn't like it, she will note that its not the H she has been used to for years. The fact that she said "That behaviour is still in you, it hasn't left you!" is interesting. We used to argue this way, but overtime she would shut conversations down by saying we should divorce etc. So I eventually backed down and stopped the arguing over things I wasn't happy with, because of the threat of divorce. I thought I was being a better man.



"Why? What were you afraid she'd do........... Leave you? So, you go into this subservient role, doing all the work so she doesn't have to, and catering to her like she's the Queen of Sheba. If so, my advice is to resign as her unpaid & overworked employee and start behaving like you are the man in your home. Stop being scared of losing her, and emotionally let go. You are too emotionally dependent on the MR, and that dependency is causing you to cling too tightly....... loosing your manly appeal."

110% correct and I have realized this for quite a while. I do put her on a pedestal, especially when we go out socialising, she is such a attractive person and very outgoing with everyone. But she isn't like that in the house alot of the time, she saves her frustrations and anger for the family home. Its like a double life.

It is so hard to break the relationship model we have formed, as I am still finding it so hard to detach and stick up for myself. I feel that if I do demand more, or stop doing things for her, she will just want to Seperate more. But, deep down I know that the way I have been behaving is not changing anything at all. So I need change the dynamics, but to do that I have to 100% believe that I can handle either outcome, i.e. it could push her more away and make the decision for her, but at least we have movement ?