Phase 2 contd (2)

[Pax_luv]

KML- it's really good to hear from you. Thanks for stopping by. I sometimes think that when we start labeling or diagnosing, we end up using that as an excuse, thus skirting our accountability (not always, but sometimes).

in hindsight, our relationship was built on a lot of controls and contingencies. Here's the sad part..... I knew h was controlling but it didn't bother me. In the beginning I was a-ok with letting him take the reigns (I think our age difference had something to do with it) and with that... I always ended up doing as he wished on his terms. Even youngish teenagers had mentioned "Mr. Feyth does not treat Mrs. Feyth well.

Over time all those little digs and insults, threats and ultimatums just got to me. I became paralyzed out of fear of doing something wrong in his eyes. That paralysis came after the big ultimatum which I've shared here many times- "if we're not pregnant in 2 months, there's no point in being married." Ugh- that sentence has forever been branded onto my heart. At that point, I already didn't feel emotionally and psychologically safe around h, and that just push me over the edge.

Anyway, I will continue to review the dynamic and learn from the experience, but I will say, it has gotten me really depressed. Ugh- just want out of this funk!!!