I want to share a personal conversation I had with the new man in my life. He is a good honest person, who a had lengthy marriage which ended in divorce due to an affair on his ex's behalf. She came up in conversation this week between my lovely man and I. And the conversation turned to when they have positive interactions he is always hit with the "wow, how did we get here"- he struggles with the familiarity and good feelings, it makes no sense to him. Interactions with her trigger all of the emotions for him, from deep love to a deep sense of betrayal. And I get it. He finds it hard to understand that I get his deep sense of love for her, even though the marriage is over and he loves me. He feels like he is betraying me and our love, by still feeling in a small part in himself a love for her. But as I explained to him, he never fell out of love with his friend, wife and mother of his children. He still has love for that person, the person with whom he shared a life time. He loves the friend, wife and mother of his children, like a man who grieves for a partner who died suddenly. People in our community do not ask grieving widows and widowers to forget a lifetime of love and life and move forward. I have no expectations that my lovely man would not still love his wife in some way now and into the future. You likely think I'm strange and odd to feel this way, but I think it is realistic way to view the value of a relationship that saw two people grow and mature over a lifetime. My lovely man's wife may not have respected what that means, but I do, I do for him, because he needs me to understand and respect that. You can love your H and stand for your marriage as long as you need to, and if at some point your life introduces you to another man, another love, please know, you don't have to give up one for the other. You just need to hold them with equal respect.
I'm not sure if this was helpful. I still read your thread Cil. You are an amazing woman and you ARE your best version of yourself right now, keep going.
