Taking the first step...

[Coly23]

Hey Blu, thanks for stopping by, I'm glad you found me over here.

I guess I'm not necessarily trying to label him but I think a lot what he said sounds like he is having some sort of crisis. For example he said it was like a switch went off inside him and he doesn't feel like himself anymore and that life is too short. Coupled with his age I thought it might me something like MLC. IDK maybe I'm clutching at straws.

You are right though he did walk away and he has flaked on me and the marriage at the first sign of the bad times and that really hurts and I am mad! Mad that I took a chance on a man who had never had a long term relationship at the age of 35. I should have known but I took that risk and I gambled with mine and my daughter's happiness and that guilt is sometimes so overwhelming. But the hardest thing is knowing this fact and coping with and trying to accept the rejection of both me and our marriage.

Sometimes i fantasise phoning him and telling exactly what I think of him but that's not DB. I want to scream down the phone at him and ask him what I did to deserve this complete rejection, like I don't exist anymore like our marriage and our family meant nothing to him! I haven't spoken to or contacted him in nearly six weeks (except for his birthday) and he hasn't made one been of effort to contact me. Speaks volumes doesn't it! And yes I want to tell him where to shove his chocolate cake!

Me and D seem to be clashing a lot at the moment and I spoke with her today and said we really need to work together rather than against each other. She feels my pain and is also dealing with her own. We just seem to be angry at each other all the time and I know I need to focus on her and our relationship. I won't let him destroy that as well. She is a good kid, just trying to be a teenager but having to deal with the crap as well.

How do I let go Blu? How do let go of this pain, hurt, anger and complete rejection of who I am and everything we stood for? How do I move forward for me and my D when I have all the memories of our life together and hopes for the future imprinted on my brain. How can I be there for me D when my heart feels like it has been ripped out and discarded by the one person I trusted it with....