Morality Clause in D decree???

[SBJ]

I am having trouble because she says the papers are coming, so now I'm on guard as to when.

I am also having a hard time because we are suppose to all be going on a family vaca with her entire family over the T-day Holiday. Airfare and Trip is already paid for...if I go, I don't know if I could truly be happy seeing her every day for 9 days while she is in this state. Just trying to see if I could stay strong and have that "what ever" attitude the entire time so that my kids and I could have fun.

[CaliGuy]

I am having trouble because she says the papers are coming, so now I'm on guard as to when.

I am also having a hard time because we are suppose to all be going on a family vaca with her entire family over the T-day Holiday. Airfare and Trip is already paid for...if I go, I don't know if I could truly be happy seeing her every day for 9 days while she is in this state. Just trying to see if I could stay strong and have that "what ever" attitude the entire time so that my kids and I could have fun.

You are talking to the poster-boy of how to detach poorly. You have only been at this a few weeks, if detaching were that easy one would question the commitment you had in the first place right? So go easy on yourself you are in the thick of it all and all the emotions that come with it.

Holidays are the tricky part and one that created a touch and go with my sitch one that I hoped would be a reconciliation but turned out she has much more work to do ... my point is the holidays will spark emotions in you and in her and you are in for a rough couple months. That said .... you have this place and people who get it while she is all sorts of jacked up.

[SBJ]

I guess I just don't want to rock my kids any more than they will already be if she files before Thanksgiving...which it seems she might. She has already told our oldest two kids that we are in counseling, but my 10 yo has no clue. I told her that this is her D and she should be the one to tell them all that she wants this, but that dad doesn't and wanted to work things out. I'm not sure, but I feel in the back of my mind that she is trying to rush things so that she can move on to or into another relationship...that is my paranoid outlook anyway.

Then I will have to figure out:

1. Do I ask her to move out?
2. Do I go to the Happiest Place on Earth with her entire fam for 9 days of FUN? With this hanging over our head!!!
3. and the questions just keep coming...

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Be careful when it comes to the kids, they already know something isnt right with mom and dad, the dangers I have seen here is when they are used as a sword or a shield and honestly they should be no where near the battleground .... this may fall squarely on your shoulders.

"1. Do I ask her to move out?"
Do you want her out? This is only a question you can answer I would advise like any move, do not just do something to get a reaction or try to force movement aka "snap her out of it" it will likely result in something you do not want.
Live in MLCrs seem to be more difficult than ones who run and find their own place, I had the later so I can not really relate to the live in ones.

"2. Do I go to the Happiest Place on Earth with her entire fam for 9 days of FUN? With this hanging over our head!!!"

Again ... what do you want? Maybe you can go and make it special for the kids, work on changing your focus off her and toward them. (when we focus on something it becomes bigger right?) Again ... search what YOU want and not for a reaction from her ... do this for yourself.

[SBJ]

Totally understand and agree. I will try thinking of my kids first in all of this. I will have to cope with all of the crazy stuff the best I can during our trip.

As for the living arrangements....I never want her to leave period.

[ForeverYoung]

A wise counselor I worked with often said that separation is dress rehearsal for divorce. Statistics seem to agree.

If your preference is for her to stay in your home, remember this:

It is far easier for her to live with a happy and content spouse than with a depressed and dissatisfied one.

GAL, PMA, Fake it 'til you make it. Oh, and Bust On!

[Kyh]

Hi SBJ,

I've been following along but haven't been posting much lately.

I was in a similar situation for the holidays last year. You've got some good advice. Keep db'ing and try to focus on yourself and kids. Here is a summary of what happened to me last year. I didn't know what was going on or much about db'ing, etc. but thankfully I had it together just enough to make sure the kids had good holidays. I'm posting it hoping it helps you know what to possibly expect and it might since most of our Mlc spouses seem to operate from the same script. If you can observe and not get too emotional I think you'll see how lost she is. In hindsight I sure can. She set me up to fail/justify herself the whole time making me uncomfortable then criticizing me for it.

W insisted on going to her friends for Halloween then ignored me the whole time. Her and her friend took the kids trick or treating then brought them back and told me I could take them if I wanted. For thanksgiving we went to her family's. she ignored me the whole time there too, spending most of her time in her parents room, etc (it's a very strange, unhealthy dynamic there). I spent most of my time alone, playing cards with my daughter, or walking dogs. She pretended just enough to try to make things seem normal to her parents.

We went to a Christmas before Christmas night at my family's the week before Christmas. She told me she would get everything together and be ready when I got off work. She didn't do anything, including getting gift exchange gifts and caused us to be 3 hours late. We got there just before everyone was leaving. She avoided being by me as much as she could there. The next week she told me she set up a mediation to get a D. This was a few days before we were supposed to go to her adopted step family's for Christmas. While there she ignored me the whole time again but tried to pretend enough to seem normal (step mil knew something was wrong right off though). She hung out with her much younger step siblings a lot, trying to be cool. If I tried to hang out and have a couple drinks with them she would keep distanced from me and shoot me dirty looks. She made me feel really unwelcome. when she did talk to me she would tell me how cool they and their friends that came over were. Also, starting at Halloween at her friends she always found a way or excuse not to sleep in the same bed as me.

Keep your focus on yourself and kids if you go.

If you don't want her to move out I wouldn't ask her to. From my experience it will get spun into you being controlling and/or be used to justify themselves.

[SBJ]

It's kind of funny...we have the perfect relationship when other people are around. It's only when we are alone that things seem totally weird. Others have said that she seems like there is nothing wrong when they speak with her. She says she is able to compartmentalize things and can shut things off and on. It's like Jekyl and Hyde a lot of the time.

She has been the rock that everyone in her family has always leaned on and it seems like she cracked.

[SBJ]

Update of the situation. Went to a wedding as a family last night...all seemed normal. As the Priest was saying the homily and officiating the wedding I was wanting nothing more than to grab my W and shake the ____ out of her and say that this is what we signed for all of those years ago...don't you remember. At one point during the service she took my hand and blew me a kiss...we were separated by two of my kids in the pew. She has me on the roller coaster of crazy and is blinded by the crisis.

I hope and pray she comes to her senses before I get too bitter. It's hard to see glimpses of hope and normalcy and then get slapped back to reality all of the time.

[peacetoday]

Hi SBJ,

you are doing really good-I bet it was very hard to read through that touch and go behavior at the wedding and I dont blame you one bit for wanting to just shake her into reality-but we all know it won't work and will makes things worse
But you are doing your part-being there and showing up
it is a super tough thing to create and pretend while things are so up in the air

The changes you are making and the things you are learning will be you
and your w still can see behind the blur that you are there-
But even our changes can't sop their crises

I recently heard from my xh on a phone message --this was after many years no contact
The point is he was asking me a favor to help him and I did
Still after all this time, he knew I would be there for him and I was-

They can see it-