Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

So next day journal.

Woke up in MBR, no contact. She asked me to put kettle on and then she made us both coffee in bed. After coffee I got up to do the lawn our front before we were going out to sons soccer training.

While I am outside, she comes out to tell me about a dress she bought and how they messed up the the discount and she paid a lot less for it. I listened and talked to her about it a bit. Then she went back in. As I keep saying, why does she come and engage with me if she wants out of the marriage.

As an example of detaching, what should I have done, just said sorry I am busy can't talk now or I'm not really interested ?

We went to soccer training, when we got there I said I am going to get a drink and something to eat. I wasn't asking her to come, but she is like lets go together and have a walk. Didn't really talk about anything in particular. Guess we're so used to doing things together, and she probably doesn't expect me to just go on my own.

On the drive home she was suffering with bad hayfever, I offered a couple of times for her to pull over and I would drive, but she said it was ok. She said she would go to bed for a while when she got home.

She didn't end up resting and did housework and cooking as is our normal hectic weekend. I was out in the garden and pool doing work most of the day.

At some point I was in the house and I heard her shouting, she had taken S12 phone of him and was screaming at him that he should do some homework. She was leaving the room as I came in and shouted at me, he's been on that phone all afternoon, why don't you do something about it. I said I have been out the back most of the day and only just walked back in.

So I started to talk to S12 about mixing up his time and not just being on the phone. As I do this, she comes back in the room with a slipper and shouts "So you're still lying down!" and proceeds to wack him with the slipper. I'm shout "Hey! You asked me to talk to him and thats what I am doing, why are you coming in and wacking him in the middle of the conversation". Son ran to his room and then she started saying I never pay attention to what the kids are doing, I need to get my priorities right. This is not true as I have talked to S12 even earlier in the week. She also ignores it, until sometimes she just remembers and starts at him out of nowwhere.

Today she was particularly tired and ill so was short tempered with the whole family. Why she didn't go and rest I don't know.

She was abusing me and having a really angry face, so I stood up really quickly as I was very angry with her. She's like if you touch me, you'll see what happens...I said what will happen...She sort of floundered and didnt really say. It calmed down but I told her that it made no sense for her to come and hit him 1 minutes after she asked me to talk to him.

I also said that I do monitor my kids and talk to them, and I am not taking that from her. She didn't pursue the argument, which is common as once he has exploded she wants her silent time and starts to feel ok again.

The main thing here, is I haven't felt anger and unfairness in what she was doing for many years. I have always backed down or let her behave badly. We did use to argue loudly sometimes, but never physically. She said "Oh its still in you isnt it?", meaning I can still get angry etc.

This is interesting as although I don't want to have fights with her, calling her out on behavior is something I have been too scared to do for so long.

Since then I have seen her around the house and we have talked abotu a few little things, but I have in general kept away. When I went to get dressed she suddenly says I can't find S12 phone, she took it in the heat of the argument. I laughed and said next time when you get angry remember where you hide things.

I helped her find it and then came back outside to finish the pool and write up the days events.

So I sort of feel a bit stronger in myself, as I showed emotions to her that I haven't shown for 2-3 years. Of course, there not good emotions, but she has been showing her ugly side for a very long time and I don't intend to go down that path. But maybe getting some balls is part of my attempt to detach.