A WW? (5)

[lt0402]

I've been slacking on updates recently with work being hectic. Surfer, you are right. I am not on my back foot. I realized this right before W told me she wasn't going to see her "friends" this weekend. There are times when I am caught off balance by her, but they are becoming fewer by the day. I don't see her anywhere in the same light as I used to see my W now. Kind of [censored] but that's how it seems to be. We went as a family today to get pumpkins, go to dinner, and make a quick visit to the toy store. Felt no stress or pressure at all during it. W seemed to warm up a little, but it won't last. She still will not converse with me directly most times. All convo is wrapped around our D9.

She did spew tonight. We got home and she went to take a bath. D and I built a pillow fort and played Pokémon and scientist (a game we made up). Did that for 1.5 hrs. W asked us to do meds at 830 if she wasn't down yet. Slipped my mind as we played. W came down at 835 and got agitated we hadn't done it. I offered we had forgotten in the midst of our playing. Did meds and all good, though W still angry. Didnt stress me out like it has in the past Bc I know 5-10 minutes is no big deal. Seemed like controlling behavior by her anyway.

Surfer, funny you mention the dating part. While I'm not looking to date, I did download a dating app. I guess I'm curious about what else is out there since it seems like the next step in my journey. W has adamantly said she's out so at some point I'll need to start meeting women again. Unlike my W, I do want a partner in the future. A couple months ago I would have liked it to be her, but I can't be with her the way she is now. Again, [censored], but it is what it is. I won't be dating anytime soon, but I want to be ready when the time is right.

Mules, it's awesome you stopped in here! I've taken great solace from your thoughts in CTs and FGs threads and you are very much appreciated. I think you are spot on with the in house S comment. It's like I'm having to fight the same battle day after day and each day it just resets itself. A S version of Groundhog Day. I get to the gym 4-5 times a week typically and that's helped to balance me but it's also adding to the tiredness I think.

W is definitely pushing the S forward. We are still sharing the MBR too. I moved out of the mbr when W first went to see OM. I moved back in the second time she went to see him. She keeps talking like this is an issue but I've offered her to leave the MBR and her to leave the house if she feels like she cannot be around me. She views those as unfair and maybe I am too firm in them, but I view her thoughts around situation as irrational. I believe there is both strength and honor in my stance. I'm attempting to be firm but fair with W in our interactions and my decisions. I would not expect her to be treating me this way were our roles reversed here.

You are also spot on about my future starting here. I am working on myself for me and my D9 now. I'm a good dad, and I know that now. I'm also a good person and my W cannot convince me otherwise. I'll keep building on all of that and as each day passes I more firmly know it's going to all Be good in the future.

Hawk, yeah, i know when her anxiety is going to kick in but I'm working to not let it influence my decisions. That was a bit of a test for me to see just how hard she'd push back and fight. Funny thing is, I walked in confidently, said hello, and sat down and she was agitated but never brought it up to me. I had a great time watching D too! Still have my ups and downs, but the ups outweigh the downs by a decent amount now. Hope you are doing well hawk!

All, thank you for your thoughts! I'd be well back on the trail were it not for everyone here. I appreciate you helping to push me forward, though I may stumble at times! I'm travelling the next few days but will swing in to check up on others hopefully tomorrow!