I haven't got much to report as my life is pretty quiet at the moment. There are still days when I think about H, and others when I don't! Last night I saw something on BF, and felt like a sharp knife going through my in my heart. So I have decided to block that person.

I have been reading lot of spiritual self help books, and now I'm starting to see things falling into place. One example is tonight I have a movie night with my kids and some from the neighbourhoods, I'd have never been able to do it if I was still with H. While H is away this week, I have realised that I was also preventing him from doing what he loves doing ( if we had been together he wouldn't be doing what he is doing now), so in a way I understand why he doesn't see a future with me. If he is truly happy with OW, then he deserves it. This week I have done things that if I was living with H, they'd have never occurred,

I have learnt things about relationship, and myself the hard way but I can see and feel the changes in me! Don't misread me, there is still some part of the old Rouky ( mainly when I'm tired) that still surfaces and now I can see H's view of our marriage. I understand where is/was coming from, and to be honest I couldn't have stayed in a marriage like that. It still doesn't excuse what he did but I can't blame him for wanting out as he still has half of his life ( like me ahead of him).

I only wish I had learnt of those things about relationships, and I'm not ashamed to say I was naive, and was hoping that love would conquer it all! Now I don't. I'm more and more certain as each day goes by that I don't want to save my M. I know I couldn't go back to trust him, let alone forgive him. I forgive myself for what I have done to him, but I'm not there yet to forgive him. I'm not in a rush to date, so there is no need for me to divorce H as everything has already been taken care of!

For so long I haven't been myself (maybe I never knew who I really was as I was a people pleaser as I felt so unloved), and each day that passes by I learn more about me, I love myself more, I accept myself more as I am who I am!. I'm not looking for another relationship at the moment (despite everyone asking me about it), so I'm not interested in divorcing H as I'm looking into becoming a better version of me. So when the next right person enters my life ( as at some point H must have been), I will be able to see him as the cherry on the top of my cake (ie my life) and not him as my life!