D and MLC

[ciluzen]

Thank you, every one of you. I am really grateful for the support of you all on these boards; people going through the same thing who understand the idea of standing.

I am getting better every day and people IRL are so happy I'm "over him" and happy, back to being someone they don't have to worry about anymore. But, I can't really tell them that I still have down days when I miss him or suddenly remember something that sets me on a different emotional path. Most people I know now and consider close friends never knew him, or only spoke to him a few times. They only know him from the pain he caused during our separation. They never saw the pain I saw on his face before and during this ordeal, and they dismiss it as nothing when I try to tell them.

If I speak of him in any way, mention a fond memory or funny thing he once said, they immediately tense up and the shield goes up. Like I'm the crazy person who suddenly turns to address an imaginary friend when they thought I was sane again. Even my daughters get very emotionally closed if I mention something involving him. They will even catch themselves mentioning something he said or did, then they shut themselves down, as they realize they are bringing him up to me. Our family dynamic is so blown.

No one IRL understands that I was with him for 27 years of my 49 year old life. Sure, he has been the source of my most painful memories in the past few years, but most of my happiest most cherished memories involved him, too. I can't erase that. And, I don't want to.

So, thank you to all of of you who are here that understand how hard this journey can be, even as it gets better. Letting go is not just a one time decision, and having that tiny seed of hope that someday they will come out of MLC or depression will probably always be there for me; for his sake as much as for me. I loved him before and I love him still; I just love him enough to try so hard to leave him alone. And I'm learning to love me enough to try to make my life my own.