RDS, I am not too familiar with your sitch. We each must do what works for us tho. If one of your goals is to have a friendship with your W, even if the M doesn't work out, then perhaps you are heading in the right direction. In my sitch, I did not want a friendship, I wanted my M. If he was not willing to come back and commit to the M, then we would only have limited contact--about the children and finances. It would have been too painful for me to have friendship after what he had done to our family.
Admittedly, I am having trouble understanding people's sitches and the advice some are getting from their DB coaches. I keep reading sitches where the LBS is so focused on what the wayward is doing, every little sign that they are coming around, and trying very hard to speak their LL and nice their way back into the M. I feel that the LBS should respect themselves more, take focus off of the waywards, and not let them back into their lives (or bedroom) until they commit to the M. I just don't get it. I cannot see how these crumbs lead to reconciliation. That takes both partners willing to make personal changes, commit to the M, and then take steps to restore the M over time. I don't think the wayward will do that if they know they can have the LBS without doing the work.
In my opinion DB is about self love, self respect, and letting go of the person actively hurting you. Respect yourself and demand to be treated the way you deserve. Why do we hold on so tight? Because we too are hurting, our confidence is shattered, and we are scared. I see a lot of LBS focused on the wayward, and wanting to label them--MLC, depression, foggy, etc--and while that may be true, what difference does it make really? A person's reason or excuse for bad behavior may be a good explanation, but it is not a justification. It is still unacceptable. Whatever the explanation is, we still need to demand that we are treated the way we deserve. We should not allow them back into the M until they are able to do that. They need to work on themselves and make the changes first. This takes time and success cannot be measured in a few interactions.
I continue to be impressed by the posters that understand DB and apply it. I wish that I had done a better job from day one. I get it now and I know it's not too late for me. I hope for others that they can stop going in the same painful circles, find their worth, and teach the wayward how they deserve to be treated. If they don't treat you the way you deserve, point them to the door. Stop paying attention to them and waiting for them to change. Focus on you and detach. My H has been back and doing the hard work for over 1.5 years and I still put myself and my own needs before him, that should never change. YOU are always number one. If they can see that you get this, then they will learn how to treat you, not the other way around.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
