Hi RosaLinda, In some ways things are SO MUCH BETTER. Doing a search for short term solution focused therapy I found an amazing therapist - he had agreed to couples therapy and now he likes this therapist as much as I do. We have passed through the darkest days. I've practiced much of the 180s. We enjoy 5/7 of our time together. We're having sex. We're watching tv everyday and he's affectionate with me and telling me he loves me.
However when he's stressed he still becomes absurd. When we do work on the house together he is harsh. He's been saying that he's doing all the work and no one is helping. This isn't true. I worked at home on Friday in order to be nearby while he worked on the ladder. Then he starts dominating the day and saying he doesn't want to do all the work. Later I see him FB messaging a gal that he went camping with and lied to me about - he brought the kids. Most likely nothing happened (that was during the darkest days) but what kind of bullshit is that.
In my mind I think he's changed since that time and now he wants me but he's the one who's complaining about doing all the work while messaging girls.
I see I'm going on about him again.
But furthermore, I think that our therapist wants me to break up with him and that scares me so much. He is a proponent of staying together since we have kids but he keeps asking me pointed questions that make me panic.
Why do you stay in the marriage?
Why does he make you get up half the early mornings with the kids when you were the one to get up with the children in the middle of the night with the babies when it's clear mornings are hard for you?
When I asked him he thought I should break up with him and if he had cheated on me he said I'd need to ask him and he didn't want to get in the middle like that. Which is probably just a yes and yes.
Meanwhile, the therapist has me spend time doing art - just 15 minutes a week! To build ME up.
I stopped asking my husband on dates because he never asks me out. He puts work and children (not important aspects) everything, everyone, comes before me.
He also recently asked me again if he could date other women and said he was making the decision still - now the deadline is March.
This is so disrespectful because I've been very clear all along. He puts his libido above basic respect for me.
So much has changed, maybe more will change.
I'm trying to avoid sex with him but I get so tempted because I enjoy it and he's persistent and the attention feels so good and it fits with what I want.
But last night I locked my door to help my resolve. Then this morning he tried to bring me coffee with hearts in it and the door was locked. I unlocked it and accepted the coffee and felt my anger wane.
I need to focus on my work, myself and figure out what to do later. Try not to get angry - express myself from a place of hurt not anger.
I haven't checked here in a long time and I really appreciate your responses.
