I've been following along but haven't been posting much lately.
I was in a similar situation for the holidays last year. You've got some good advice. Keep db'ing and try to focus on yourself and kids. Here is a summary of what happened to me last year. I didn't know what was going on or much about db'ing, etc. but thankfully I had it together just enough to make sure the kids had good holidays. I'm posting it hoping it helps you know what to possibly expect and it might since most of our Mlc spouses seem to operate from the same script. If you can observe and not get too emotional I think you'll see how lost she is. In hindsight I sure can. She set me up to fail/justify herself the whole time making me uncomfortable then criticizing me for it.
W insisted on going to her friends for Halloween then ignored me the whole time. Her and her friend took the kids trick or treating then brought them back and told me I could take them if I wanted. For thanksgiving we went to her family's. she ignored me the whole time there too, spending most of her time in her parents room, etc (it's a very strange, unhealthy dynamic there). I spent most of my time alone, playing cards with my daughter, or walking dogs. She pretended just enough to try to make things seem normal to her parents.
We went to a Christmas before Christmas night at my family's the week before Christmas. She told me she would get everything together and be ready when I got off work. She didn't do anything, including getting gift exchange gifts and caused us to be 3 hours late. We got there just before everyone was leaving. She avoided being by me as much as she could there. The next week she told me she set up a mediation to get a D. This was a few days before we were supposed to go to her adopted step family's for Christmas. While there she ignored me the whole time again but tried to pretend enough to seem normal (step mil knew something was wrong right off though). She hung out with her much younger step siblings a lot, trying to be cool. If I tried to hang out and have a couple drinks with them she would keep distanced from me and shoot me dirty looks. She made me feel really unwelcome. when she did talk to me she would tell me how cool they and their friends that came over were. Also, starting at Halloween at her friends she always found a way or excuse not to sleep in the same bed as me.
Keep your focus on yourself and kids if you go.
If you don't want her to move out I wouldn't ask her to. From my experience it will get spun into you being controlling and/or be used to justify themselves.
