Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, I'm feeling a bit upset about the whole mess today, I won't lie.

Yes, I get temporary support, but it starts as of this week, so the proverbial "check's in the mail." The judge ordered that neither of us touch any marital assets (the reality meaning that I can't touch anything at all), and so that leaves me with exactly zero money at the moment with which to pay bills and only a few dollars in cash in my wallet. STBXH has access to all kinds of funds in his name alone (though they are also marital assets and should not be touched). He can always just use some of our marital $ and then replace it when his next paycheck comes in. I await the allowance that I am going to be given. Yuck.

The judge may have ruled for me, but he also put me under a serious financial constraint. It would have been one thing if I had even a small block of money to use for my current bills, but I am starting from literally nothing, yet with all of my usual expenses. Ugh.

It's not like I wasn't planning on getting back to work, but after not practicing for so many years in my field, that is easier said than done, particularly on very short notice. And beyond that, I am really freaking struggling again - iffy appetite, up to my eyes in the emotional fallout of all of this. The roller coaster ride is in rapid cycle mode and I am going from sad to angry to frustrated to empty to whatever, all within minutes. Both my therapist and GP told me this is all normal when I saw them this week; it may be "normal," but I want to get OFF this ride!

Thank you Blu, Painter, JRuss, and Miss V. I'm trying hard to hang in there, and mostly I'm doing pretty well, but yesterday when I got the mail (with the bills) it hit me exactly what the financial orders were going to look like in real life, and I'm kind of upset that no one considered that this would be the result. I certainly wan't in any state to make the logical jumps to get to this realization while we were sitting in court. This, too, shall pass, but it's not going to be smooth sailing for a while yet.

I keep having people remind me that it could be so much worse, but, as I well know from my grief counseling work, our struggles are not relative. Of course I'm glad that my H didn't kill himself like my uncle did, of course I'm glad that no one has cancer, of course I'm glad that I should eventually regain my financial stability when all of this is finished, of course I should be glad that there are no children involved in this mess (even though I gave up kids altogether for this man I married), but the bottom line is that I am not glad about any of this.

... and that was just this week's crop of "it could always be worse" comments/comforts from friends and family... I know they mean well, but jeepers...

It is what it is, right? I'm sorry to complain.