Phase 2 contd (2)

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, just to pick up on your question - how did your XH perceive you during the D process? In truth - I have no idea, because the last time we talked (Summer '15?) he hadn't yet filed.

Our sitch became a very distant one, where all communications were via email and text. What I did to to try and maintain pleasantness, was deal with him in a positive way. So, there were times when he emailed me pretty outrageous financial suggestions. In response I (writing through gritted teeth) calmly said - thanks for your suggestion. I've thought about it and here's what I think. Or, I would just let him know 'we' (meaning L) would respond when we've had chance to consider that.

There were a couple of times I became frustrated by not hearing from them. For those I used the occasional technique of - just letting you know I will be doing X, and let me know by Y if you have any queries and concerns. That's a useful one, but I wouldn't use it lightly.

I have to say - given all circumstances - there was little acrimony during our D process. XH may well feel I walked away with significant assets, which is true - but I do feel the formula we worked to was fair - and actually was suggested by XH. Due to where we live, I have been able to buy a house outright and have savings. He would need a mortgage to buy a even a small property in the capital, unless he has bought with OW (is she has assets.) In truth, I have no idea where he lives now.

We D'd before the house sold, so we still had some dealings post D and I tried to be helpful during those too - thanking him for what he had arranged and asking him to let me know if he wanted my help etc. Of course behind the scenes I was distressed, upset and angry sometimes, but I didn't show that to him. My replies were always brief and pleasant. I became mistress of the two or three line responses.

It is always worth applying the 24/48 hour rule if you can. A couple of times I responded to my L on the fly and then emailed her to change my mind once I had thought some more.

So, I guess overall ours was a pleasant and cooperative D. We D'd 'collaboratively' - XH filed and I agreed not to contest that. Normally collaborative D (in the UK) involves a series of meetings, but given distance we didn't do that and agreed things remotely. I have to say, I think my cause was helped by XH having a 'Mayfair' L who told him a contested D process could cost him around £60k. This had him running scared of spiralling legal fees and keen to settle. My legal fees ended up being around £3.5k. I also think he felt guilty about everything.

I would echo Cil's wise advice. His reactions are his to own and I wouldn't worry about them. Just protect your own interests and conduct yourself with grace and fairness. Hope this helps anyway xx