Focus on Me and the Boys 9

[J5K]

STBX did ask if I ran the numbers and I told her that I did and will be able to manage.

STBX continues to change the story every time we have a discussion. There is no consistency in her words or statements other than her own selfishness.

I gave my reasons.

I want my boys to be able to see their mother without having to be carted around in a minivan once a month for 10 hours.

I want to build a good co-parenting relationship regardless of her actions. This will still take a lot of work on my end to get there.

I want to focus on improving myself (physically and emotionally) not for her but for me and the boys so I can be around as long as I can for them.

I have learned a lot of lessons through this experience.

There is no "the one".

I need to learn what healthy communication with every person that I interact with.

I need to control my jealousy.

I need to let go of my ego and pride.

I create my own life and happiness.

I cannot control others nor want to control them.

There are some quotes that I have read in various books I think about often.

"The person is more important than the relationship itself."
From the book "More than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory" by Franklin Veaux

"I will not let my loyalty become slavery. If what I bring to the table isn't appreciated, I will walk away and let the other eat alone." Josie Picken

"If a partner respects me, I don't need rules to make them treat me well, and if a partner doesn't respect me, rules are just a bandaid that aren't ultimately going to help" Franklin Veaux

"If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation." Osho

These books that I have read talk about ethics whether monogamous or non-monogamous. It puts an interesting perspective that I have never seen on relationships or was just completely blind about.

Is non-monogamy any different from being single and dating?

In today's society is monogamy really monogamy with the divorce rates as high as they are?

I am not sure that I have answers to any of these questions or that I ever will. When I think about them though, it calms me and gives me some peace about the reality of life and relationships. It comforts me and helps me recognize that I will be fine with or without STBX in my life, regardless of what I prefer.

I want to lovingly detach. If I can get to that point, I hope to find peace with myself and become a better person than who I was a year ago.

If the best R I can have with my STBX is a healthy co-parenting relationship, I would prefer to have that over a high conflict one. Although there will bumps along the road and arguments, divorced or married, I would prefer to have my boys see both parents with smiles on their faces when they are in the same room than anger, sadness or whatever other emotion either one of us are feeling.

There was another article I read on a blog from a divorced single mom that encouraged new divorcee's to focus on themselves first and their kids second. When I first read the article I had the same reaction as others who posted comments about the author being selfish.

I then thought about my sitch and others sitches and what we all try and advise each other on these boards. Focus on you first and your children second. Married or not the breakdown in an R comes from the WAS/wayward spouse's perception. It is a catch 22.

I truly wish the laws were different and there was never a law of no-fault divorce. I also truly wish that counseling would be a mandatory requirement for those who want to get married.

If these things were implemented into our system it may not significantly reduce the divorce rate but it sure would educate people on how hard it is to do the work to make a marriage successful.

I am truly blessed to have my five boys and to have met my former wife. She is a good person that just needs to be where she is now.