Taking the first step...

[Coly23]

Journaling - I've had a busy week at work so far. Lots of late nights due to not being able to sleep and lots of early morning as having to do a bit of traveling.

Last night I was dog tired and managed to fall into a deep sleep at about 11.00ish. Woke up feeling like I had slept for hours and thought it was probably already 4.00am-ish so would have about another hour to snooze before getting up for work. However to my suprise it was only 1.30am! What!!! And then so began the thoughts running marathons through my head so that was it on the sleep front. I had to used plenty of pick me up eye cream to disguise the suitcases under my eyes!!

Had an IC session today. Did lots of crying again but the C seems to think that I sounded a bit angrier and frustrated with H today. I guess that is true and maybe that's to do with NC and his lack of wanting to contact me. I think she sees it as me going through all the emotions and recognising what they are and why I am feeling them.

Oh well nearly Friday in my part of the world, looking forward to it!

[Altair]

Hi Coly!
Saying hello from very far away...
Me too on the sleeping poorly again. Was good for a bit, now not good again. I hope you can find some peace with your thoughts-- anything exciting you've been doing/ thinking of doing?

[pinn]

Hey Coly,

Just stopping by and getting up to speed. Thanks for your contributions on my thread. I appreciate it! The MLC thing is no joke and I feel for you and your daughter... ugh!

As you know, I went through about 2.5 months of no contact. Complete, total no contact (calls, emails, texts anything). I know it becomes cliche around here, but GLA helped me incredibly and it also made me kind of mysterious to WW (I think). It just helped me immensely. Doing things to improve my confidence was important to me so I focused on that during that time. I tried to make better eye contact, be more social and overall more confident. This was all started during that NC time period. Yea it as hard to not contact her, but I had touched that stove many times in the past and I already knew how it would play out if I did.

So that being said, after those 2.5 months, I was the one who caved and broke it after much debate here. I remember becoming so discouraged. I would read different situations here and the positive signs that different people would see. I was a bit jealous... I wanted a temp check more than anything in the world. I followed DR and started thinking about little signposts that I could take as positives. I felt like they were so lame compared to others and a desperate attempt to see positive signs. But DR says to look for the little things. I remember those intial sign posts pretty well (a little different than Andrews but in the same vain):

1. WW has not filed
2. WW responds to a text
3. WW attempts to keep text conversation going
4. WW texts me first for whatever reason
5. WW texts/emails me out of blue, for no reason, and for nothing that I said previously (if that makes sense)
6. WW calls
7. WW asks to meet

Slowly, she started checking these off. Very slowly. After the 2.5 months of no contact... we went late October until the very end of march to get to #7. I didn't see her for over 8 months. So what is my point? Was the extra text a mistake? Probably not the best idea but he did text back right? Remember to see the little positives.

Stay strong... I'll be keeping an eye on you. What's the plans for the weekend?

[Altair]

Pinn,
I think this is helpful for Coly and myself. Thank you for writing this up.

(driving up to Life drive-thru menu)
"I'll have a number seven please"

[Coly23]

Hey Altair and Pinn! Thanks so muchfor your post Pinn, this has really helped me. I did actually read your sitch from start to finish believe it or not and I remember how your frustration at your W not making contact was so palpable. I was with you every step of the way!

I guess my concern is that he is actually happy not having to communicate with me so I am making it easier for him by going dark but then I can't see how contacting him will benefit me in anyway but to make me more anxious and sad. This is the internal struggle I have every day!

With the signposts you and Andrew suggested I guess I could add a few more. the only thing is I keep talking myself out of them and finding reasons why it wouldn't be a signpost!

1. H has not mentioned anything about getting a separation agreement even though I have suggested it;
2. H has left the majority of his clothes behind;
3. H has left a huge amount of his other belongings behind
4. H has responded to my texts albeit after a few hours later.
5. H told D that he can get out of his lease agreement at any time (believe half of what they say?)
6. H told me that if we were to work on our relationship he didn't want any timelines (again believe half of what they say?)

I don't know if some of those signposts are me scratching around a bit. Leaving behind his clothes and belongings could mean he doesn't need them, has gone out and bought more or is using the house as a temporary storage facility! Job says a lot of the time it's because they want to retain a connection to their old life.

As for GAL. I'm not doing much at the moment that is different to before BD. My D is trying to find her feet with some independence but I am worried if I go of and do stuff she will end up being a latchkey kid so I always want to be around to make sure she is not on her own too much. Saying that I am going to look into some classes at the gym which I try to go to straight after work so it doesn't interfere with making dinner etc. Also money is a big factor at the moment as H does not contribute anything so it means I'm about £1,000 down each month.

This weekend I will go the the gym Saturday morning, house work and then I'm sitting for my Sister's twins in the evening. On Sunday I have my parents over for lunch. I was looking into a drama group at our local hall but I don't know if I am ready for that as yet....

[Coly23]

Happy Saturday fellow DBers!

Just doing a bit of journaling. Had a lazy morning as been up really early all this week for work and I'm axhausted. About to head of to the gym and then do a biit of food shopping for tomorrow's lunch with parents. D is still lounging in bed but that's teenagers for you!

I bought myself a dslr camera last year so I've been looking for some photography courses in the area and saw that I missed an evening course which stared in September at the local college - rubbish! I'll have another look around but I would really like to learn how to use it properly and it will get me out and about!

I also need to buy some more clothes for work. My trousers are literally hanging of me and if I use a belt I have to pull it in so much it looks ridiculous! I'm starting to worry that my anxiety is affecting my health as I've noticed my hair is falling out in big clumps when I wash it. Not sure if this is also to do with my appetite being up and down to. Some days I get by with only a sandwich and a piece of fruit if that.

Sometimes looking at gal activities makes me sad as it reminds me of the sitch but I know I need to do this as D is getting older and already the time she wants to spend with me is dwindling. I need to also think about all the vacation time I get from work and how I am going to spend it (25 days a year). I've never gone on holiday on my own and I hope I never have to but I have to accept that this might be a possibility as I don't want to keep imposing myself on friends and family. Although this might be acedemic as I won't have the funds go on very many holidays anyway!

Looking forward to seeing my three year old twin niece and nephew tonight as I am sitting for them. I will also get fed by my sister so that's a bonus!

Anyway need to get my sorry body out of the house before I get too comfortable!

[Sotto]

Hi Coly, it may be worth contacting the college to see if you can join the class after half term. Classes always seem to lose some people, so they may welcome a newcomer.

It's not uncommon to lose hair at times of stress, and it may be worth having a look online for some advice about this, or maybe someone with more knowledge like KML may chip in? I always think it's worth focusing on the fundamentals - eating, sleeping, self-care, managing anxiety - and in time, these things again settle down.

As for clothes - during my long cash-poor phase, I used charity shops to buy new clothing items. I live in quite an affluent area with great charity shops. I only buy good brands and have picked up some beautiful things over the past couple of years. It feels good to dress for your size now - rather than feel everything is too big.

I understand on the holidays and I feel the same way. A couple of friends have suggested mini-breaks next year, which is nice. I do need to build up my confidence in this area and it is a goal in my little notebook...

Hope you have a lovely weekend my friend xx

[Rose888]

Always have too many ideas for vacations!

I have seen some fun organized trips for women. I want to go on one that's more active--like hiking to Macchu Picchu, but I've seen quite a range.

I also want to do a meditation retreat.

[Coly23]

Thanks Sotto and Rose. I've stocked up the fridge and cupboards today with lots of food because I realise that I can't support my D or myself if I am sickly and H definitely wouldn't want to be around me like this! Since H left my food shopping has been very minimal and only enough to make sure D is fed and watered adequately. I used to love cooking and cooked from scratch as much as i could. We had a few really good recipes to use during the week but now I can't face to make them anymore so I need to look for some new ones.

I'm hoping the holiday thing will sort itself out by next summer at which point I am hoping I would have moved forward enough to feel confident in whatever I do. I like the idea of an adventure holiday Rose!

I like the idea if the charity shops Sotto, I might have a look on eBay as well although I'm not very patient with eBay!

Had a good workout today and saw a yoga class at my gym which runs every Wednesday. Hoping it might help with my anxiety so I think I'll have a go.

Now going to do my taxi driver job and run D and her friend to the local ice-cream parlour. Wish I was 15 again!

[pinn]

Yes do the yoga!! it took me forever to finally do it and I love love love it! You also get to meet new people who have no idea what is going with you. I was able to get a whole new group of friends because of it. I am going to a yoga class now!